Seven reasons why heavy metal will always be wank

OF all the music genres, heavy metal remains the most shameful. Whether death, black or thrash, you’ll look a knob for listening to it: 

The heavy metal look

Traditionally denim, leather and long hair, like the Hell’s Angels everyone was scared of in the 1960s. Fine in theory, but your average 14-year-old metal fan travels by bus not Harley and has lank hair, spots and an Iron Maiden ‘Eddie’ patch on his back, rounding off the look with glasses.

Dark themes

Leaving Satanism for later, these tend to include death, madness and social deviancy, with thousands of albums called things like Reign In Blood, Screaming for Vengeance, or Diary of a Madman. Luckily it’s all a juvenile fantasy because actual mental illness isn’t much fun.

You can’t shag to it

Most music recognises that it’s required as a backdrop to getting it on, but big hairy blokes screaming about demon semen burning the world does not work for that. And metal fans don’t look like they’re getting any. Maybe women don’t see socially dysfunctional blokes in Slipknot T-shirts as solid long-term prospects.

The guitar solos

Metal tends to prefer solos that are fast to solos that are good. So no Dave Gilmours or Eric Claptons, just Yngwie Malmsteem playing like it’s a race. Clearly that’s where Hendrix went wrong – if he’d hammered out a blizzard of notes and called it Psychomaniac Slaughter Spree he’d still be remembered today.

The spandex era

It’s surprising people didn’t spontaneously blind themselves after witnessing Kiss in spandex with platform boots, permed hair and clown makeup. Other bands followed suit until, presumably, they all had a road to Damascus moment and said: ‘Oh no. I look a right twat.’

The Spinal Tap sexy vs sexist problem

Metal definitely prefers slutty biker chicks, slutty stripper chicks and slutty vampire chicks to real women. Motley Crue had a competition to see how long they could go without washing and still sleep with unfortunate groupies. Metal fans have enough obstacles to overcome to have sex; why add sexism to the list?

Satanism

The bands love Satanic imagery but never knuckle down to the hard graft of sacrificing virgins. This isn’t the problem though, it’s that God and Satan are inextricably linked. Believing in Satan means believing in God, which makes the mosh pit at Sepultura like old ladies going to church.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Six places it's revolting to have hair, by an advert selling women hair-removal shit

THE most disgusting, unnatural thing you can have is hair on your body. Feel shit about it? Good. Now buy our products and the pain will be worth it:

Legs

The moment the slightest fuzz is detected, sprint to the bathroom and strip it down smooth, trying not to shudder in horror. Then have the skin scrubbed of all its upper layers. Then have the remaining skin bronzed. Photoshop out any blemishes. Basically, if it in any way resembles the original leg it needs more money throwing at it.

Armpits

Reasons why humans evolved underarm hair range from aiding ventilation to preventing skin infection. How horribly unattractive. Get it all gone for the perfect feminine sweaty-and-prickly pits.

Arms

Heard of electrolysis? You pay us staggering amounts to stick electrical wires into your hair cells under your skin to obliterate your hair cells. Doesn’t that sound preferable to hideous, slightly noticeable darker hair on your forearms?

Face

The only thing more precious than money is your limited time on this earth, and if you spend it with hairs on your upper lip or chin that time has been wasted. So spend every spare penny on a painstaking, maddening task like plucking them all out individually, or bleaching them away. Every single fortnight.

Genitals

Having hair on your genitalia is the most heinous sin a woman can commit, and is coincidentally the most painful place to remove hair from. Have you thought about a £50 hot wax procedure? The only common side effects are burns, open wounds, and infections. It’s necessary to be sexy.

Unless you’re a man

In which case here are the chemicals and pills to buy to make you hirsute in all the above places. You should look like a trimmed and waxed bear.