If only there were some way I could leave Twitter, sigh Twitter obsessives

TWITTER obsessives outraged by Elon Musk’s purchase of it wish there was some way they could quit the hellsite ruining their lives. 

Millions of users who spend every waking moment providing free content for a company they hate have now been humilated by the target of their mockery buying it, and them, and all their little Twitter friends.

Tom Booker, who has been tweeting continuously since 2012, said: “Oh my God, dog on fire saying ‘This is fine’ meme much? If only I could delete my account with no more than a few clicks and be free forever.

“But I can’t because I must be on Twitter to fight the Tories, the centrists, the anti-Semites, the terfs, the tankies, the NFT bros and the slavish followers of Elon Musk.

“You’ve seen how terrible the world’s got this last decade. Imagine how bad it’d be if I hadn’t been battling strangers online for every minute of it? Why, Twitter would be thought of as ‘that thing that got Trump elected’.

“If there were a way to quit it’d probably be in the settings and privacy menu. But that would eat into my precious doomscrolling and time I need to read six years of someone else’s tweets to catch them in a minor hypocrisy, so I’m not even going to bother looking.”

Tweeter Donna Sheridan agreed: “I hate Elon Musk, I hate everyone on Twitter, and I hate myself for being on Twitter. I just need a way to say that which will get me the thousands of likes and retweets I deserve.”

Elon Musk said: “A whole site of petty narcissistic twats endlessly pursuing pointless feuds to the detriment of the real world? You are my children, and Daddy’s home.”

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No-one enjoys having Happy Birthday sung to them

NOT one single person, from one-year-olds to 100-year-olds, enjoys the part of their birthday where everyone sings Happy Birthday, it has emerged. 

Despite it being theoretically a treat, everyone finds the laboured performance of an extremly repetitive song an excruciating ordeal to be endured.

Researcher Stephen Malley said: “The worst bit of any birthday is the mass singing of Happy Birthday, whether by friends, colleagues or family.

“Nobody wants to hear it. The lucky birthday boy or girl can’t bear to make eye contact through its interminable drone so they stare at the floor throughout. The only thing that gets them through it is that there’ll soon be cake to eat.

“Nor do those singing the song enjoy it. They have to be coaxed to, by a manager or mother or an elderly grandparent wearing a party hat. We could drop the entire thing tomorrow and everyone would be equally relieved.”

Facilities manager Jordan Gardner said: “It’s a ridiculous tradition that needs to die. I had to sing it to my boss last week, and he’s not ‘dear Clive’. He’s the f**ker that makes me do unpaid overtime.

“It’s my turn next month. The whole office will gather, like a mob ready to kill, and sing the birthday song. Happy birthday to me.”