It’s just a bit of fun, says soulless, hate-filled editor of Daily Mail

DAILY Mail editor Paul Dacre insisted his ‘legs-it’ front page was ‘a bit of fun’ in a voice that made everyone think of a derelict Victorian hospital.

Dacre, his pale grey face chiselled with long years of paranoia, desperation and loathing, said: “I’m just trying to cheer everyone up.

“Because I am a people person.”

Urging everyone to look into the endless, pitch black tunnels of his eyes, he added: “Trust me. I know fun.”

After looking at the Mail front page, reader Jane Thompson said: “I am forming an opinion about who has the best legs between Nicola Sturgeon and Theresa May.

“And now all I can hear is a relentless, howling wind. I think I need to move to Denmark before it’s too late.”

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Kids allowed on term time holidays if they bring back cheap fags and some Grappa

CHILDREN will be allowed to travel abroad during term time as long as they bring back booze and fags for teachers.

Senior teachers insisted the boost in morale from 200 cheap Rothmans and a bottle of gin would help to retain staff without having to pay them more money.

Julian Cook, a deputy headmaster from Peterborough, said: “A short break to Disneyland Paris should cost a carton of Superkings, but for a ‘cultural tour’ of Italy, we’d be looking at some decent wine or, better still, half a dozen bottles of Grappa. That stuff gets the fucking job done.”

The holidays will be negotiated in advance, with families being encouraged to visit destinations where you can also get a good deal on a fancy handbag.

Parent Nikki Hollis said: “I can buy enough Grappa to keep the whole school shitfaced for a month and it would still be half the price of going to Tuscany in August.

“Plus, my kid is an arse so his teachers deserve a bonus.”