Man more gutted about loss of Q Magazine than loss of elderly grandma

A MAN is more upset that coronavirus stole from him the opportunity to discover the 50 best Oasis B-sides than the chance to see his old nan one last time.

Tom Booker, 46, is distraught that the pandemic has forced the closure of what he has always enjoyed pompously describing as ‘the Led Zeppelin of British rock journalism’.”

Booker said: “Yeah, it was sad about my nan but, to be fair, she was 92. She’d had a good innings, whereas Q was tragically only 34 years-old. I’ve got Paul Weller t-shirts older than that.

“What am I going to base my music prick persona around now? I’ll just be any other middle-aged bloke in jeans and a leather jacket without being able to list the Buzzcock’s greatest live performances.

“My nan could make a great Victoria sponge but she couldn’t tell me how I should feel about the confusing gender fluidity of Christine and the Queens.

“If Mojo goes too, I’ll have to get a whole new personality. Maybe as a golf enthusiast.”

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Whole dinner table forced to speak at level of single sodding toddler present

A TABLE of adults have been forced to spend an entire meal conversing at the level of the three-year-old who is sharing their dinner.

The sophisticated evening meal with friends has been thoroughly ruined by Sophie Rodriguez who keeps announcing she is about to transform into a yellow Power Ranger.

Guest Joe Turner said: “So far we’ve discussed the colour of her plate, how long her spaghetti is and why boys have winkies.

“I understand childcare problems happen, but can’t we just talk over her? Why do we have to listen to her recount her favourite Paw Patrol episodes?

“It’s like being at dinner with a very short despot and if we want any chance of making it out alive, we have to bow to her every desire and make her feel revered at all times.”

Mother Sara said: “That’s an accurate description of what it’s like to spend time in public with young children. My advice is to keep drinking.

“On the bright side, at least nobody can start a conversation about the economy.”