‘PROUD OF YOURSELVES?’ shouts Daily Mail editor at ducks in park

DAILY Mail editor Paul Dacre has asked ducks in his local park if they are proud of themselves for increasing the possibility of a Marxist in number 10. 

Dacre, who increased his own pay by 50 per cent to £2.5 million this week, accused the mallards of being ‘self-consumed malcontents’ who ‘pulled the rug from under our EU negotiators’.

He continued: “Just as the newly confident Tories had inched ahead in the polls, you fucking feathery bastards! The very moment!

“You’ve not just betrayed me, your leader, but the Conservative party and 17.4 million Brexit voters. I ought to kill you and eat you, like a migrant would.

“I’ve printed your pictures. My readers know what to do. Duck or drake, this park is not safe for you any more. They will hunt you down.

“Don’t you quack at me! Don’t you dare! I’M PAUL FUCKING DACRE!”

Duck Tom Booker said: “This country’s democratic institutions didn’t just stop dead after the referendum, mate. Parliament still has a valid role.

“Anyway, give us some bread.”

Top fake illnesses for winter work avoidance

HAVE a few days off to go shopping or simply get pissed with our guide to the best fake illnesses.

With Christmas just around the corner, there couldn’t be a better time to skive off work as even the bosses just want to ‘wank it out and fuck off’. Nobody’s going to ask too many questions and with the right timing you could avoid the office party and extend your paltry week off to a solid fortnight.

Top fake illness suggestions for 2017:

Peterson’s wank frenzy

Tropical illness, possibly caused by monkey bites, that causes the sufferer’s hand to become glued to their genitals. They generally frot themselves to death within a fortnight. You don’t want someone with Peterson’s wank frenzy in that important client meeting.

Telegraphitis

A viral form of paranoia that often manifests itself through a fear of outsiders and a sense that someone is turning their car around at the bottom of your drive EVEN THOUGH THE SIGN YOU PUT UP CLEARLY SAYS ‘NO TURNING’.

Lycanthropy

So you had a big night last night, and woke up in a zoo, trouserless and covered in scratches. The only logical explanation is that you are a werewolf.

Anything to do with ‘feminine health’

No line manager can dispute a good old vague vagina-based excuse. This even works for men, because nobody’s going to ask for proof that you have female genitalia.

‘Not feeling 100 per cent’

You’re a bit tired, and you don’t want to come in because the thought of delivering anything less than total excellence on the shop floor of PBL Plumbing Solutions is too awful to bear.

Not coming, eat it you bitches

What can they say to that? Essentially they do just have to eat it.