EU comforts May by reminding her it doesn’t give a shit

BRUSSELS officials have comforted Theresa May by reminding her they care no more about her stupid Commons defeat than they did about her idiot election. 

The prime minister admits that EU politicians have given her perspective by showing how contemptible and pathetic the internal arguments of the Conservative Party are when viewed from afar.

She said: “Honestly, when an EU official points out that we are no more than ants squabbling over a melted lolly to them and he wouldn’t give a fuck if I was replaced by Corbyn tomorrow, it means a lot to me.

“I remember speaking to Donald Tusk after the election and it became apparent he had no idea it was over and was not remotely interested in the result.

“I made a deal with the DUP the next day. Who gives a shit, right?”

Jean-Claude Juncker said: “The Greeks had a whole referendum and we ignored it. Why would we care what your parliament does?

“Brexit means Brexit, motherfuckers. Maybe you’re beginning to get that now.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Universities warn first-year students may return home as tossers

STUDENTS returning home for Christmas may have become pretentious twats with silly clothes and provocative beliefs, universities have warned.

Parents have been advised to prepare themselves for upsetting changes in their children, such as becoming a generic ‘alternative’ person who totes around a set of bongos.

University welfare officer Julian Cook said: “We regret that your beloved son, who lived for Call of Duty, may return with beads in his hair and declare himself pansexual.

“There is also a strong risk that your daughter will have ended her relationship with Tim, who is nice, and will instead claim she is a creative genius putting on an Edinburgh show called Death by Toastie. 

“Your first instinct will be to blame drugs. It is not drugs, or not only drugs. Sadly, your children have succumbed to the intoxicating effects of too much freedom.

“During this period you may have to argue about why heroin should be not only legal but free over your Christmas dinner, but the worst of it should have faded by summer, replaced with the more powerful conviction that their housemates are twats.”

First-year politics student Tom Logan said: “University has made me a deeper, more mature person. That’s why I’m wearing this Rastafarian hat.”