Radio One breakfast show losing listeners to static

HALF-A-MILLION listeners have ditched Nick Grimshaw’s Radio 1 breakfast show in favour of tuning their radio to white noise.

The endless, formless hissing, used in in psychological torture by the CIA, has proved significantly more popular than both Grimshaw’s chat and the music on the Radio 1 playlist.

19-year-old Emma Bradford said: “I only stumbled across static by chance, but it really makes my morning.

“It gets right into your head, breaking up your thought processes and making you scream for release, so it’s essentially the same but slightly less intrusive.

“Grimmy’s got Dermot O’Leary in the studio and will be playing songs by Rita Ora and Little Mix, while between stations there’s a grainy, unrelenting whine interspersed with occasional snatches of shipping communications.

“There really is no competition.”

Radio 1 controller  Julian Cooke said: “I listened to some static yesterday, and it’s good stuff to be fair. There’s no shame in losing out to random electrical impulses.

“We have to be open to new ideas, like when Capital replaced Dave Berry with a screeching bonobo monkey. Ratings rocketed.”

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Man furious about Cambridge literature syllabus has only read Dune

A MAN totally opposed to attempts to make Cambridge’s literature teaching more diverse has only ever read the sci-fi epic Dune.

Office manager Roy Hobbs believes that the university should not bow to pressure by dropping white British authors, despite having abandoned any books not set on the fictional desert world Arrakis.

He continued: “I’m not necessarily saying Dune should be on their syllabus. But if you want something exotic, why not go all the way?

“Academics need to get out of their ivory towers and read books about real issues like mining hallucinogenic drugs from giant worms to facilitate intergalactic travel by mutated human ‘navigators’.

“I just think it’s wrong that British students are being educated without learning anything about their rich cultural heritage of Paul Atreides becoming the warrior prophet Muad’Dib.

Hobbs added: “Also it’d stop them just cheating by watching the film, because it’s terrible.”