Religion far too woke, says Daily Mail

THE world’s major religions are sending out a sickeningly ‘woke’ message of love, peace and fairness, the Daily Mail has revealed.

In a strongly-worded editorial, the Mail argues that Christianity, Hinduism, Judaism and Islam are indoctrinating young people with left-wing ideas – possibly due to the influence of universities – such as handouts for the poor.

Christianity in particular encourages ‘rich-bashing’ in a stridently anti-capitalist parable about a camel and a needle, and fails to mention the benefits of Brexit or privatisation.

Daily Mail managing editor Norman Steele said: “On the face of it, Christianity has a positive message, such as leaving undesirables not welcome on the ark to drown. 

“The Bible is great on clamping down on sodomy and upholding traditional gender roles. And we should all be keeping up fine English traditions like going to church or being socially ostracised. 

“But on further investigation, the Bible turns out to be a hotbed of socialist messages that wouldn’t look out of place in a Jeremy Corbyn manifesto. 

“If you have two shirts, give away one to someone who has none? Surely if you have 200 shirts, let that be an example to the shirtless of how many shirts they could have if they worked harder or set up their own business?

“And Catholics have a catechism that goes: ‘God transcends the human distinction between the sexes. He is neither man nor woman. He is God.’ So He’s Eddie Izzard? It’s just typical of the trendy Catholic church to jump on the transgender bandwagon.

“It’s time to stop this madness and give someone else a chance. Hurrah for Satan!”

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The progressive woman's guide to chores that still need to be done by men

EQUALITY has vastly improved, but let’s not get carried away. As far as household chores go, these need to remain the preserve of men, argues Donna Sheridan.

Taking out the bins

Everyone lost their shit when Theresa May said that taking out the bins was a boy’s job, but she only touched a nerve because she was right. Evolution and God have blessed men with powerful biceps specially designed to carry plastic rubbish sacks, and who are we to mess with their grand design? Our feeble female limbs would only spill them everywhere and make a mess.

Unclogging drains

Yes, the shower drain is usually blocked with manky woman hair, but this is a plumbing issue so it falls under a man’s remit. It has nothing to do with the fact that extracting a fistful of pubes from a pipe is disgusting and makes you retch. Women could unclog drains just as well, if not better, than men, but some glass ceilings aren’t meant to be smashed.

Cleaning the car

You’d like that, wouldn’t you? A woman working up a foamy lather as she scrubs down a car while wearing Daisy Duke cut-offs and a crop top? Shirking this chore is an act of emancipation from male oppression, which is convenient because it’s tedious and we f**king hate doing it. We can barely keep the inside of a car clean anyway, let alone the exterior.

Rewiring plugs

Obviously, more women need to get into STEM subjects. But only in school and the workplace. At home it’s best that things remain old-fashioned, meaning men take care of technical stuff. With something as dangerous as electricity, we feel so much safer if a man uses his vast scientific knowledge. Definitely. We wouldn’t just prefer to mess around with our makeup. No way.

Mowing the lawn

There’s nothing sexier than watching a red-faced man clumsily manoeuvre a lawn mower around a garden and wipe sweat from his brow, so don’t rob us of this simple erotic thrill. Don’t worry, we’ll repay the favour by reclining on a deckchair doing bugger all and topping up our sun tans. Can’t say fairer than that.