A CYCLIST with a long line of cars behind him is doing an excellent job of blocking traffic, trying to alleviate it, and confusing everyone in the process.
Fanatical cyclist Martin Bishop has amassed a long snake of impatient motorists behind him, who he is directing to drive past him in an exciting game of chance with oncoming traffic.
Bishop said: “I’m not just a highly-skilled cyclist, I’m also a responsible road user who knows how to take control of the vast amount of cars I’ve forced to drive at 20mph behind me.
“I can tell drivers appreciate me flailing an arm around to signal to them. I can’t think why they wouldn’t trust me, a man whose testicles can clearly be seen under my lycra shorts, to guide them safely past.
“I don’t know why they’re taking so long to pull out and drive on. Maybe they’re enjoying the view of my bony arse too much?
“Although I suspect some of them may be total idiots. Who could fail to understand that my ad hoc, gesticulation-based sign language means ‘I’m pretty sure a fast-moving Audi won’t appear out of nowhere’?”
Driver Eleanor Shaw said: “If I get stuck behind one more cyclist who expects me to slow down for them then obey their instructions to overtake them on a bend, I will take their sweat-wicking top and insert it in their arse.”