'See it, say it, sorted' and other slogans that don't quite work

WE’RE bombarded by slogans, but for every iconic ‘Just Do It’ there’s a dodgy ‘It’s not for girls’. Here are some of the most perplexing:

See it, say it, sorted

The next time you’re on a train and see something unusual, text the British Transport Police and ask them to help you enact this grammatically garbled set of instructions. But remember that when they say ‘if you see something that doesn’t look right’ they mean a terrorist clutching a bomb, rather than the fact that the buffet cart has just charged you £7 for a coffee and a Twirl.

When the fun stops, stop

This slogan unhelpfully forgets that for true addicts gambling is addictive, rather than a bit of a laugh. Fun is helping your Nan put 50p each way on the Grand National because she likes the name of the horse, whereas problem gambling is selling her jewellery to put a £400 bet on a South Korean volleyball match. If you only consider stopping at that stage, it’s a bit late.

Don’t be evil

Everyone knows that huge corporations are always evil, so going out of your way to claim yours isn’t just makes your inherent badness even more obvious, especially when your company is well known for collecting data for nefarious purposes and not paying tax. Google has now changed its slogan to ‘Do the right thing’, which might be even worse as it suggests they have a guilty conscience to assuage.

Eat Out to Help Out

Who or what exactly were we meant to be ‘helping out’? The spread of Covid? The introduction and acceptance of continental-style al fresco dining in places utterly unsuited to it, like a narrow pavement next to a thunderously busy dual carriageway? Because apparently it had a negligible impact on the hospitality industry, however snappy Rishi’s slogan sounded at the time.

Va Va Voom

Twenty years ago, people went wild for f**king annoying, meaningless slogans, which is why pubs were full of idiots yelling ‘Wazzuuuuuup’ at each other over bottles of piss-weak American beer. We also fell for hunky French footballer Thierry Henry exploring the meaning of the phrase ‘Va va voom’, as if it was important philosophical discourse and not just a load of bollocks invented to make the lumpy old Renault Clio seem sexy.

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Bit at back of edible underwear best left uneaten

A COUPLE who purchased some edible knickers have discovered that it is best to leave the back part of it uneaten.

Following an attempt to liven up their ailing sex life, Martin and Helen Bishop found out that a candy g-string is a unique way to give your partner gastroenteritis rather than a fun sexual experience.

Martin Bishop said: “The front section was quite fun for me. I’m not sure Helen enjoyed being given cunnilingus through a mouthful of crushed sugar shards but she gamely allowed me to plough on.

“I’ll admit that I did start feeling quite sick even before I got to the bit which had been stuck up her bum crack for the best part of an hour but it seemed a bit rude to refuse to eat it, as if I was suggesting she didn’t wipe her arse properly.

“Anyway, long story short, it turns out she doesn’t wipe her arse properly and I spent the next day yacking up partly digested sweets while we shamefully invented a story for the doctor about how I got ill.

“Will we be trying anything like that again? No. But luckily our sex life has now been killed stone dead forever so we won’t need to anyway.”