Woman complaining about inflation buys Christmas jumper for her dog

A WOMAN who claims to be desperately worried about the state of her finances has just spent £49.99 on a Christmas jumper for her dog.

Despite frequently moaning about inflation and the cost of living crisis, Emma Bradford still has spare cash lying around to spunk on Princess, a golden retriever she calls her ‘fur baby’.

Friend Helen Bishop said: “She says she’s so poor that she can’t afford to put the heating on, but Emma has still splashed out on a cashmere sweater that says ‘Yappy Holidays’ on it. What’s the point? It’s not like Princess has any concept of what clothing is.

“So she’s either lying about being poor, or she’s stupid. Hopefully she’s lying though. It would be awful to get evicted from your home because you were such an idiot that you’d spent all your money on novelty tat for a dog who will ruin it by rolling in fox shit on its first outing.”

Bradford said: “I’m actually really struggling due to inflation. Originally I wanted to buy glittery antlers for Princess too, but that’ll have to wait until I get my bonus.”

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Most important couple in world to spread wedding across three days

THE most important couple on the planet have decided their wedding celebrations cannot possibly be limited to a single day.

Tom Logan and Lucy Parry are planning to tie the knot next spring and have concluded that the celebration of such a unique and remarkable union will require at least a long weekend.

Parry said: “As we’re such an incredibly significant couple in the eyes of our friends and family, we have arranged three jam-packed days of activity so that they get a proper opportunity to fully express their joy and admiration.

“We’ll start on the Friday night with a casual, fully-catered black tie dinner party, then Saturday will be the big day which will have an upmarket festival vibe, complete with mandatory lawn games, two bands and a ceilidh.

“Because everyone has to stay on-site, they won’t be able to slip away so we’ll make them keep dancing until 4am and then everyone will be up again at 7am for a big, fun clear up which we won’t be taking part in.

“We’re thinking of having it in Italy so it will cost around £1,500 per person, but that’s a drop in the ocean when it comes to the emotional wealth they’ll receive from celebrating our perfect love.”

Logan’s best friend Joe Turner said: “Three days? They can get f**ked.”