The next six movies you dimly remember to get multi-million dollar streaming revivals

HOLLYWOOD is obsessed with remaking films, but having run out of classics they’re now churning out shit like Willow. And soon probably these too:

Mac and Me (1988)

Essentially a store-brand version of E.T, this is widely regarded as one of the shittest films of all time. The original features the perpetually surprised alien Mac on a series of pedestrian adventures, and the rights will no doubt soon be snapped up by Hulu, which will spend $100m rebooting it only for nobody to bother watching.

Flubber (1997)

Flubber starred Robin Williams as a crazed inventor who creates a sentient green blob and didn’t bother adding anything trivial like plot or characters. An update by Sky Atlantic would move the action to gritty Chicago, give Flubber a gun and a grudge, and turn it into a blockbuster TV series that loses its way after episode two.

Junior (1994)

This utter shitshow about a male scientist who becomes pregnant as part of a research project deals with gender roles about as cack-handedly as you’d expect from a film made in the mid-90s and starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. Netflix could do a sensitive remake that would be savaged on Twitter as ‘woke propaganda’ the second it was released.

Howard the Duck (1986)

This film was universally agreed to be a pile of shite when it opened but was also technically the first release of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, which means it’s ripe for a reimagining on Disney Plus. The plot revolves around a woman who shags an anthropomorphised alien duck, but Marvel can get away with any old nonsense as long as there are enough explosions involved.

Wild Wild West (1999)

When you cast your mind back to 1999, it’s almost certain that, unless you starred in it, you have zero recollection of the atrocity that was Wild Wild West. However, it’s one of the most expensive films ever made, which is enough of a reason for Hollywood to decide to make it again, but even worse than the first time round.

Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970)

Russ Meyer’s softcore romp would never fly in today’s politically correct climate, but removing all the sex would render it pointless melodramatic nonsense. Not that it would stop NowTV trying to recreate it into a thoughtful meditation on 1970s morality, which no one would watch after they realised there was no camp shagging involved.

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Well, that was pointless, says man after drinking in moderation

A MAN who followed health guidelines on daily alcohol consumption has declared himself deeply disappointed with the experience.

Tom Logan attempted to abide by the rules in the hope that he could savour the experience of imbibing, rather than getting rat-arsed as usual with the final part of the evening a total mental blank.

However, having stuck to the number of units recommended, he found that he had reached the limit by 6.05pm.

Logan said: “I’m willing to give anything a try, including drinking sensibly. It looks okay in public health adverts, even enjoyable. I’m such a f**king mug.

“I can categorically say that having reached my generous quota of two pointless units, that the philosophical argument for drinking stupidly has never felt stronger.

“I mean, what’s the point? Drinking that little is like going for a 50-metre jog, or a 30-second swim, or eating half a teaspoonful of cake. You wouldn’t watch The Godfather for five minutes or end a sexual encounter after taking your trousers off. 

“Let’s get real. Basically, it’s binary. The government slogan should be amended to read ‘Either drink shitloads or drink f**k all’.

“I couldn’t sit in the pub without a drink, so once I hit the limit I hammered the Diet Cokes and lime and sodas. They go down much quicker than lager so I had about 20. Drinking in moderation, my arse. I’ll be up all night pissing.

“I seriously recommend that they revise these guidelines and consult actual human beings living lives barely tolerable without booze rather than weirdo teetotallers in white lab coats.”