DATING is tricky when everyone you meet turns out to be a wanker. Here are five ways to dickhead-proof your love life.
Only date friends of friends
Filter new lovers by only dating friends of friends, and badgering them for awkward details about their sexual pasts. It’s only like a potential employer asking for references, except you’ll be focusing more on STDs than GSCEs. Don’t be afraid to ask how much they earn – you may as well weed out the losers from the start.
Your online dating profile is there for a reason. Use it to set out your dickhead-proof dating terms. List what you aren’t looking for in a man: no calling you crazy for stalking all his exes on Facebook, no pressuring you for a blowjob when it’s not even his birthday, no having close female friends. It’s the only way you’ll meet a normal person like yourself.
Re-educate a dickhead
Deliberately date a blatant dickhead (look for a guy who wears a fedora or rides an electric scooter) and try to convert him. Teach him never to comment on how hot your friends are and not to make Chewbacca jokes when you wear your big furry winter coat or fail to trim your muff. Be warned this is a high-risk tactic because dickheadedness is hardwired into many people’s DNA, and that’s science.
Lower your standards
Maybe you can relax your definition of ‘dickhead’ slightly. In the pursuit of true love, perhaps you should ignore the odd eye-roll when you say how much you love 90s rom-coms, brace yourself for the odd bit of piss-taking when you ineptly try to parallel park, and accept that he may never become best friends with your parents.
Don’t have a love life
The only guaranteed way to ensure a dickhead-free future is to stop dating altogether. Settle down alone with a porn subscription (for sexual needs) and a pet cat (emotional and tactile needs). Take care when choosing the cat because they’re prone to being dickheads. If it’s going to piss off at random, expect you to let it in late at night and not give you a cuddle when you want one you may as well go back on Tinder.