England robbed of World War 2 themed grudge match

GERMANY crashing out of the World Cup has cruelly robbed England of a grudge match based on the nation’s unhealthy obsession with WW2.

Germany’s failure to progress to the last 16 has denied England its treasured World Cup tradition of referring to the Battle of Britain and D-Day with zero tact and subtlety.

England fan Wayne Hayes said: “Reminding Germans we crushed their Nazi ancestors is the highlight of the tournament. There’s no real point in going any further now. It’s over for me.

“Even if we breeze past Senegal and ultimately win the cup, it will be a hollow victory because we didn’t face our bitter rivals and subject them to tasteless banter about the bombing of Dresden. Younger generations of Germans love that.

“We’ll have to make do with taunting the French instead, which just isn’t the same. ‘You eat funny-shaped bread, you amphibious bastards.’ See what I mean?

“It’s the newspaper editors I feel sorry for. They probably had some blinders for front pages lined up, complete with pictures of Churchill and tanks. Now they’ll have to report real but boring stories like Michelle Mone.”

Germany supporter Hans Braun said: “Yes, we lost the football. And yes, we lost the war. But who’s got the biggest economy in Europe? I’ll give you a clue, it’s not you, Tommy.”

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The grown man's guide to walking through a department store lingerie section

STILL get flustered walking past bras and knickers even though you’re an adult man with a wife and mortgage? Here’s what to do.

Turn back at the door

The easiest way to deal with the situation is to avoid danger in the first place. Hopefully your partner will notice you becoming nervous as you approach, like a horse refusing a jump, and leave you to graze peacefully in the men’s shoe section while she immerses herself in the terrifying world of cup sizes and basques.

Look anywhere but at the lingerie

It’s vital to prove you have no interest in women’s underwear. This means you must not look at the sexy pants, even though the room is full of them. Stare fiercely upwards and comment on the high quality of the ceiling tiles instead. People will think you’re weird, but at least they won’t think you’re a pervert.

Take a weirdly intense interest in it

Alternatively, you could try showing an enthusiastic interest that demonstrates how completely unfazed you are by the sight of a frilly bra. However, don’t get too into it and discuss underwiring strength with the sales assistant with reference to her breasts or you’ll quickly be escorted out by security.

Make a succession of stupid jokes

You haven’t evolved that much from the hormonal oaf you were at secondary school, so your immediate reaction is likely to be a series of unfunny quips about ‘over the shoulder boulder holders’. A winning strategy, as your partner will steer you to the exit as quickly as possible to spare herself the embarrassment of being associated with you.

Turn bright red and hold a bag in front of your crotch

If all else fails, and your partner insists that you help her choose something skimpy and sheer for you to give her for her birthday, you must accept it as your manly duty. However, getting an erection in public is likely to result in a visit from the police, so be sure you’ve brought a large bag to disguise your pathetic excitement.