'Grab my arse like a 16-year-old, gasped Gina': A preview of Pandemic Diaries by Matt Hancock

ARE you sad enough to read Matt Hancock’s account of the Covid crisis, Pandemic Diaries? Here are the ‘best’ bits so at least you don’t have to buy the Daily Mail for the serialisation.

The tough choices of shagging someone younger

No parent wants to have to choose between their children and a smokin’ hot piece of ass. But if you meet that special person who’s better than your wife, choose you must. ‘Being a grown-up is complicated,’ I told the kids in a group email. ‘But children are resilient. If anyone is the victim here it’s me.’

How I stopped Covid in its tracks

The government’s response to Covid was dogged by U-turns and incompetence. Someone had to take charge of this mess, which I did by ensuring a mate with no relevant experience provided medical supplies and another Tory crony provided a test-and-trace system whose only minor flaw was not working. Cometh the hour, cometh the Matt. 

My feud with Dominic Cummings

Dominic and I were diametrically opposed in every way. Here was a man who brazenly flaunted Covid rules, which I only did twice. He showed little concern for victims of Covid, whereas I shoved the old biddies back in their care homes to drop dead in comfort with a biscuit and a cup of tea. Above all he was a geeky dickhead with a receding hairline. It’s no wonder there was friction between two such different people.

Matt Hancock the lover

People see me as a rugged leader of men, but I’m actually a very sensual lover who loves to bury the old beef bayonet. It’s no exaggeration to say that I regularly take Gina to new heights of sexual excitement never before experienced by a woman. My secret? I can last up to five minutes if I think really hard about blocked toilets.

My moving redemption story on ITV’s I’m A Celebrity

It was with some trepidation that I went on I’m A Celebrity. I needn’t have worried. I was the public’s favourite, and they made me to do one demeaning, stomach-turning challenge after another just to see more of me. I made some great friends, like Mike Tindall, who paid me the traditional rugby players’ compliment of pissing in my bed every night. 

The future

After a high-flying political career, showbusiness success and now becoming a top author like Shakespeare, what mountain is left for me to climb? The obvious answer is: being the first man on Mars. I’ve DMd Elon Musk and everyone I’ve spoken to has given their enthusiastic support for me being blasted into space.

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Falling house prices: the best news ever or the end of your life? Take our quiz

SHOULD you be overjoyed that house prices have hit a two-year low, or is your life no longer worth living? Find out with our quiz.

Do you own a house?

A) You’re joking, right? I don’t have rich parents and I didn’t try to buy before 2008. I don’t stand a chance.

B) Yes, I worked a normal amount, only inherited a healthy sum and bought a house for a few grand in the 60s. Young people should follow my example.

Are you trying to save a deposit?

A) Yes, I have been putting aside the 20 pence left over from my pay packet for the last 20 years. I should have enough by 3000AD.

B) No, if I want another property then the bank just authorises another mortgage in a couple of clicks. It’s very easy.

Do you see a house as a business investment?

A) No. As long as I have a little place to call my own I’ll be happy. You can’t take it with you.

B) Yes. I pore over every property story in the Daily Express and have lovely dreams about buy-to-let contracts. If the pleasant detached property I own doesn’t return an eye-watering profit then what’s the point of happily living in it?

Are you f**king loaded?

A) Remarkably no, even though I have cancelled Netflix and don’t drink coffees from shops like patronising homeowners advise me to.

B) Only in terms of assets such as my huge housing empire. If I sold them off all I would have is a measly few million.

What would you do with a house?

A) Live in it, obviously. And be happy that I’ve escaped the extortionate rental market. Like most people.

B) Use it as collateral so that I could buy more houses, then rent them out at a ludicrous rate to generate passive income. It’s the modern bastard’s way.


Mostly As: Congratulations, tumbling house prices are the window of opportunity you’ve been waiting for. That’s if prices weren’t already so insanely high even a big reduction means you still need 400k for a tiny semi. Hooray, but also, never mind.

Mostly Bs: Bad luck, the temporary dip in house prices means that you might not be generating a huge profit for doing f**k all. If it wasn’t for the stability of your house-owning life you’d start to despair. But you’ve got one, so it’s alright. You’re fine.