Middle-aged man forced to warm up before bed to avoid injury

A MAN in his 40s has found he now needs to limber up with some gentle exercise before bed to avoid strains and injuries.

Joe Turner, from Durham, used to regard sleep as a rejuvenating experience that was unlikely to take a serious toll on his bones and muscles, but is now old.

Upon recently turning 44, he has come to learn that getting eight hours of rest is in fact a physically gruelling endurance challenge that requires careful preparation.

He said: “When I was younger, I had no idea that lying completely still on a soft mattress could leave a man in such agonising pain. I would wake up feeling refreshed and ready to seize the day. These days I wake up feeling like I just ran a f**king marathon.

“I realised that – if I wanted to get through life without crippling aches in my neck and back – I needed to treat occasionally moving about in my sleep like the exhausting, labour-intensive activity it is.

“Now, before putting my head down for the night, I do a few reps of star jumps or go for a light jog around the bedroom. Just enough to warm up the muscles before another night of punishing exertion.”

Turner’s new regime has significantly improved the quality of his mornings, but has not eradicated the endless suffering of middle age.

He added: “I’m old and knackered, so I still feel like shit when I wake up – but I don’t feel quite so much like I’ve been in a car crash, so that’s a plus.” 

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Do you live in one of the most miserable towns in Britain?

RIGHTMOVE have released their list of the most soul-crushingly awful places to live in Britain – but is your town on there? Here’s your chance to find out.

Crewe, Cheshire

Described as a ‘shithole train junction with a high street so depressing it should sell euthanasia’ by residents, Crewe puts the lie to delusions about Cheshire being posh. The charity shops have bins of used syringes for 5p each.

Barrow-in-Furness, Cumbria

As if the Lake District was shaken to clear all the nastiness out and it collected in a foul little crevice at the bottom. Home to many failed industries, the consequent unemployment litters the town with the economically inactive and chronically violent.

Swindon, Wiltshire

Recorded in the Domesday Book as ‘a fykyng dumpe’, this concrete pissoir is best viewed from the windows of a non-stopping train in heavy rain.

Barnsley/Burnley, Yorkshire/Lancashire

Indistinguishable Northern sinkhole of depravation which claims to be two separate places but fools no one. Most notable event in history was live nightclub PA by Abz from Five in 2017.

Peterborough, Cambridgeshire

Flat fenland town blessedly inaccessible from anywhere. Teenagers hanging round in the shopping centre blink an eye, 40 years pass and they’re on mobility scooters.

Newport, Gwent

Every life that ends here ends horribly. A trip to the coroner’s court is like flicking through a book of Stephen King short stories rejected by his publisher for being too unutterably vile.

Southend-on-Sea, Essex

Easily the country’s scummiest seaside resort. Chips so foul even seagulls won’t swoop for them. Everyone in Essex who doesn’t live here is bursting with pride at their achievement.

Coatbridge, North Lanarkshire

Famously, historically shite, the Scottish government has spent millions turning it into the Open-Air Museum of Abject Despondency. Visitor numbers were down from 38 to 19 last year.

Thamesmead, London

Brutalist labyrinth of crime where the concrete is slowly sinking into marshland and the most popular pub sport is getting glassed.

Middlesbrough, Yorkshire

Freezing petrochemical hellhole where wild swimmers die six different ways simultaneously. Its Transporter Bridge looks like a gallows for the industrial age, fittingly.