Getting married will save our relationship, and other mental things people think about their love lives

THINK legally yoking yourself to someone who gets on your nerves will magically make everything better? Here are some equally terrible relationship ideas.

Getting married will save our relationship

Having problems? Reckon getting hitched will make them all go away? Unfortunately, it won’t. Instead you’ll be contractually bound to the mouth-breathing moron you’ve come to hate and be extra pissed off with them because you’ve just wasted ten grand on what is essentially a big party. Spend your cash on moving out instead.

Having a baby will bring us closer together

Worried that your relationship is drifting and want something to bind you together? Then don’t have a baby. It will throw sleeplessness, exhaustion and terrifying anxiety about the fragility of life into your already failing partnership. Get a kitten instead. You can always rehome it when you do break up.

Looking at someone else is cheating

Do you think being deeply in love means that your partner will never cast an appreciative eye over someone else again? When they inevitably do, it doesn’t mean they’re about to cheat on you, but it does mean you are so cripplingly insecure you’ll drive them into someone else’s arms faster than you can say, ‘Are you looking at her tits?’

Arguing in public is acceptable

If you’ve been invited to a dinner party, it’s not because people want to see you and your partner engage in round 398 of your endlessly simmering passive-aggressive fight about who has to be the designated driver. Although eventually they’ll just stop inviting you, which will stop the arguments because you’ll never go out.

If you don’t settle now you’ll be alone forever

The amount of horny pensioners logging onto dating websites should demonstrate that it’s never too late to get your leg over or fall in love. Rather than grudgingly agreeing to marry Gareth the estate agent when you’re 29 because all your mates are getting wed, hold out for someone you actually love. Or just be single forever, it’ll be much less annoying.

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Eight things old people just can't grasp are horribly racist

THE elderly, who grew up in a world of state-sanctioned prejudice, can’t seem to get past their mental block about some phrases not being okay to use now. Because they’re appallingly racist: 

Where are you really from?

London or Leeds or Milton Keynes won’t do. Black people obviously come from Jamaica or Africa, really. And old people are fine with a few of them coming here, because who wants to live in a mud hut and get eaten by a crocodile?

He was a coloured chap

Did you know there’s been a bit of debate over the years about which words are acceptable, granddad? You must have missed that. Maybe as a simple test, ask yourself: ‘Does what I’m about to say make me sound like the swivel-eyed racist loony Enoch Powell?’ 

They’ve got natural rhythm 

Strangely the ‘natural rhythm’ gene remains undiscovered by scientists, which is a shame because it might one day help eradicate dad dancing. There are many problems with this idea, not least that black people are better suited to dancing than, say, having a job. It must also be pretty grim for those who are shit at dancing.

Can I touch your hair?

Yep, wavy Afro hair definitely merits an exploratory feel, gran. It’s hard to know what an old person expects from this, maybe an electric shock? Not entirely surprising from a generation that feels the need to comment on it if they see a ginger person in the street.

A white man couldn’t run that fast 

Oldies believe praising black people’s athletic prowess is a compliment, not realising that some black people might have intellectual interests beyond track and field events. Becomes extremely racist if they attribute those skills to ‘running away from lions’. 

It’s just a golliwog 

Okay, old people remember the Robertson’s golly, and frankly his ancestry looked more ‘fraggle’ than ‘black’. But do you think it’s acceptable to perpetuate outdated, offensive racial stereotypes? Oh, you do. You still think Chinese restaurants abduct cats when just buying chicken wholesale would be a fraction of the hassle. 

You don’t sound black at all

Unpick this statement if you can bear to. You sound not-black, ie. white, which is better, and possibly more respectable or educated, and the take-home point is that sounding black is bad. But that’s okay because, as has just been pointed out, you are a traitor to your race. 

What do you eat at home?

Every ethnic minority household has a huge nightly banquet of ‘their’ food, eg. jerk chicken and sweet potato or, if you’re Asian, curries that took days to prepare. Never at any point in history has a person of colour said: ‘F**k it, I’ll just do some cheese on toast.’