Seven reasons to never buy The Sun

THE Sun is Britain’s favourite race-hate tabloid that acts like we’re constantly at war, but it’s a mistake to ever read it. Here are seven reasons why: 

It hates you

If you are an average Sun reader, the newspaper hates you. It hates your working-class house in your working-class town and your pathetic working-class aspirations. Its editors are rich twats who hang out with posh Tories. They only patronise you because they want to control what you think.

It lies to you

Hillsborough, phone-hacking, Freddie Starr’s hamster and Elton John’s rent boys; the Sun lies to you all the time, doesn’t even bother pretending otherwise and laughs at you for believing it.

It makes you stupid

It’s all simple solutions in the Sun. One side are entirely wrong and the other side are unquestionably right. Try applying this logic at work, where Brian might be a utter dick but is vital to the running of the place, and it collapses immediately.

It doesn’t even have boobs in anymore

Sexist, outdated and inappropriate it may have been, but at least when you bought the Sun you used to be guaranteed a pretty young lady with impressive bosoms. Now you just get some actress in her bikini you could have already seen on Instagram if you’d wanted to.

Football transfer news is online now

Back when, you had to buy the Sun to find out all the details of Manchester United’s summer-long pursuit of Wayne Rooney. Now it’s on your phone. The loss of headlines like MANCHESTER ROONITED is a small price to pay.

Dear Deirdre isn’t even trying to solve your problems

She’s just using them as an excuse to show models in underwear frowning at the camera while thought bubbles puzzle over sexy relationship issues nobody has ever had. Your problems are a f**king joke to her.

Rupert Murdoch is Satan

Sun owner Rupert Murdoch is the manifestation of the Devil on Earth and works tirelessly to make it into hell. Our politicians are merely his servants. He brought us Thatcher, Blair, Brexit and the Premier League.

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Woman finally realises that champagne is revolting

A WOMAN who has spent her adult life pretending that champagne is marvellous and special has finally admitted it tastes like farty urine. 

Francesca Johnson, aged 39, has vowed to stop accepting proffered glasses of bubbly even if she looks like an uncultured pleb when toasting speeches with a pint of Stella.

She said: “‘Ooh, lovely!’ I coo when given a flute of champagne, then take a sip and pull that face everyone pulls like they’re drinking the contents of a catheter bag.

“Why does a drink that sells itself as the epitome of elegance taste so vile? And give you the type of hangover where it feels like you’re being stabbed in the eye with a hot rusty screwdriver?

“It’s like all the other things posh people claim are amazing but suck, including caviar, opera, rugby and Eton. Bullsh*t.”

She added: “I’m done with it. From now on I’m only joining in toasts with whatever drink I fancy at the time, whether it’s a nice cup of tea or a flaming Sambuca.”