Missing cat poster whitewashes record of violence and vandalism

A POSTER for a ‘much-loved’ missing cat has omitted its nine-year reign of terror over the rest of the street. 

Tortoiseshell Tom is described as ‘friendly, fun and great with people’ on the poster created by the Booker family, in contrast to neighbours who call him a ‘vicious little bastard’.

Margaret Gerving said: “The poster makes it look like butter wouldn’t melt, but I’ve seen that cat hiss at a baby in a pram. I cross the road when I see him coming.

“He sh*ts in every sandpit, leaves dead birds in every kitchen and all the other cats leap up walls to avoid him. And I can’t prove this, but there’s a rumour round here that it killed an Alsatian.”

Others familiar with the ‘cherished family pet’ have described him as ‘deranged’, ‘not of this earth’ and ‘pure evil in feline form’.

Neighbour Stephen Malley said: “But the good thing is no stranger getting clawed by that savage twat will ever match him to the description. So our long nightmare could be over.”

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Bag for life mainly used to store other bags for life

A BAG for life is largely being used to hold all the other bags that do not get taken to the supermarket, its owner has confirmed. 

Donna Sheridan has admitted that no matter how many bags for life she buys, all the other bags for life comfortably fit within it in its permanent home in the porch.

She said: “I’ve got one of those big Aldi bags with a tomato on which holds about four other sturdy bags and any number of plastic ones by the front door.

“Then there’s the bag for life under the stairs, which has all my spare bags for life, and the bag for life in the car boot which contains all my bags for life on the go and never gets removed.

“I like to do my bit for the environment and also they’re so handy. Goodness knows where I used to keep all my bags before these came along.”

Environmentalist Helen Archer said “A bag for life full of plastic bags is, quite frankly, just taking the p**s out of the environment.

“You may as well punch a dolphin in the face.”