Office workers suffer sugar slumps at 9.45am, 11am, 11.45am, 1.15pm, 3pm and 4.45pm

THE average office worker is hit by a sugar slump at least six times a day, not including lunch or the commute, research has found. 

The Institute for Studies found office workers combat the fall in blood glucose, which leaves them tired and unable to function at full capacity, with sugary drinks, snacks and powerwalking to the canteen for a doughnut. 

Office manager Martin Bishop said: “I don’t understand it. I begin each morning with a big bowl of sugary cereal and have a caramel latte on the walk from the train, but I still can’t make it to 10am. 

“I usually treat my slump with a mug of builder’s tea, then a Twix after my meeting sees me until lunch. Which makes me sleepy so I have a can of Monster. Then the biscuits come round, and with those and a bag of M&Ms I’m through to hometime. 

“So it’s not like I’m stuffing my face. What am I meant to do? Tough the slump out?” 

Dr Henry Brubaker said: “The average office worker spends the day almost permanently high on sucrose, flitting between different providers like demented wasps. 

“To increase productivity employers should fit giant sugar water coolers, like hamster bottles, to their cubicles they can suck on. Though they will all get fat and die.” 

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Supreme court to call Mail Online comments section as witness

THE supreme court has decided that it will hear expert legal advice from the Mail Online comments section in today’s prorogation hearing. 

Justices will hear from former prime minister John Major, Labour’s Baroness Chakrabarti and below-the-line commenters New Dawn Grimsby and PatriotInSpain before ruling on whether parliament should be recalled.

Court clerk Norman Steele said: “This is one of the most important constitutional law cases in British history. The opinion of BigBadDom1962 could be vital.

“The justices, who are the finest and most experienced legal minds in the country, cannot decide without first considering if ‘Parliment makes the law and PM runs Parliment so IT CANT BE ILLEGAL!’ accords with precedent.

“Likewise, some might feel ‘There was no deal on the ballot therefore Britain voted for NO DEAL’ is outside the remit of this case, but if so then why did YorkieKing leave it under a story on the court? It must be relevant.

“Only once HiDeHi Fan’s view that Parliament has been illegally sitting since 2016, when it should have been dissolved and reconstituted under Nigel Farage, has been dismissed can a verdict be reached.”

Lady Hale, presiding over the hearing, said: “They’re all f**king idiots. Next.”