Five advertising slogans that are absolute bullshit

ADVERTISING is all about creativity, innovation and paying arseholes to make up bullshit. Here are five peak-bollocks slogans:

L’Oreal – Because you’re worth it

Worry no more because you are worth it. You are worth gifting yourself a wide assortment of ruinously expensive goo and slime, that will hopefully stop your disgusting face from looking quite so slimy, dry and old. That’s just how much you’re worth it.

Sky – Believe in better

Not only do they demand that you part with a small fortune every month, but Sky also want you to believe that what you’re getting is better. Which presumably means those hours you spend resetting the wi-fi router, leaning out of windows to get a phone signal and sitting through their tedious American dramas are better than… nothing at all?

Nike – Just do it

Turns out all you had to do, all along, is ‘it’. No one knows what the f**k ‘it’ is, but Nike are very keen that you spend several hundred pounds on shoes, socks and t-shirts to wear whilst you attempt to figure that tricky question out.

Apple – Think different

Apple make it clear in their slogan that they’re the brand for independent thinkers. That’s why most of the world buy their phones, and still buy them even though the screens break the second you look at them. Because they all think so differently.

Guinness – Good things come to those who wait

This old adage may be true, but less so when it comes to a stout you only ordered to look like the quirky guy in your group of mates. Sure, you’ll wait – for the clueless London barman to try and fail to pour it decently – but the fiver they just charged you for it stops any part of the experience being ‘good’.

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Two acquaintances panic as mutual friend heads to bathroom

TWO people who barely know each other have been thrust into crisis after their mutual friend went for a pee.

Lucy Parry faced the prospect of making awkward small talk with Sophie Rodriguez after Charlotte Phelps nonchalantly abandoned them.

Parry said: “I thought we were meeting for one-on-one drinks. If I’d known I’d be expected to make tedious conversation with a near-stranger I’d have stayed at home. I’ve got enough friends and can’t be arsed to make any more.

“I knew Charlotte would be gone for f**king ages as she was wearing a playsuit. That adds at least six minutes onto a loo trip, which I had to spend trying to remember if Sophie is her nice friend from book club or the unhinged one going through a messy divorce.

“I considered going out for a cigarette at one point, and I don’t even smoke. Anything to escape the horrible tension of trying to think of something to say that wasn’t completely inane, but also didn’t invite her to tell me things about herself that I had to pretend to find interesting.”

Charlotte Phelps said: “They were lucky. I could have gone for a shit instead.”