WHILE your boyfriend may have some virtues, it’s hard to look past these profoundly infuriating habits:
Using your skincare products
Despite making fun of you for having so many hair and beauty products, you notice that some seem to be running out much faster than they should. That’s because he’s been secretly using your fancy shampoo on his pubes and testing your anti-wrinkle cream on his scrotum.
Pissing on toilet seat
No matter how many times you suggest that he either a) lifts up the seat prior to urinating or b) learns how to use his penis properly, you invariably end up sitting on disconcertingly damp toilet seats. He does this so often that it can only have become some kind of sick game for him.
Leaving hair everywhere
He complains about you leaving hair in the shower plug hole, but every time he trims his beard it looks like someone has been clipping a massive stiff-coated dog in the bathroom. He seems to have set himself the task of covering every item close to the sink in as thick a layer of facial bristles as possible.
Failing to do laundry
Despite the fact that he works as a computer programmer, when he’s confronted with a washing machine your boyfriend’s level of technical skills revert to that of a 17th century cowhand. He will dumbly paw at the machine, accidentally turning on and off rinse cycles, until it’s easier to do it f**king for him.
Clipping toenails
You’ve met his family. They seem like normal, clean people, which makes his habit of leaving toenail clippings everywhere even more confusing. Perhaps you could gather the clippings, use them to clone him, and then teach that clone to not be a prick that leaves its toenail clippings spread like confetti across the carpet.
