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We knew the Daily Mail could never do anything morally questionable, says public

BRITAIN is relieved to have its absolute faith in the Daily Mail’s moral rectitude vindicated by the courts. 

Yesterday’s High Court victory against an assortment of rapscallions, ne’er-do-wells and purveyors of scuttlebutt has affirmed the UK’s belief that the Mail is the fount of all that is good and right in this world and we are privileged to receive its wisdom.

Susan Traherne of Lewes said: “I’m deeply ashamed of myself, but for a moment I felt doubt.

“I doubted that the Mail had all its stories from legitimate sources. I fell for the lies of low-lives like the Duke of Sussex, Sir Simon Hughes and Baroness Doreen Lawrence. I believed the testimony of a private investigator who later confessed he made it up for a laugh.

“How wrong I was. I now realise, following this wise verdict, the Mail is, and has always been, the moral arbiter of the nation and could never do anything wrong. I owe it an apology. The whole of Britain owes it an apology.”

Former Mail editor Paul Dacre said: “With this judgement, the Daily Mail officially becomes the country’s conscience. If you try to hide any aspect of your life from us that’s evidence of your guilt. Your struggle is finished. You love the Daily Mail.”

Prince Harry said: “I don’t think I’m coming to Britain again.”

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Frail 93-year-old encouraged to 'make the most of the heatwave'

A GREAT-GRANDMOTHER is being coaxed by her family to enjoy the wonderful sunshine of the next few days while it, and she, lasts. 

Margaret Gerving of Royal Tunbridge Wells, who lives alone in a £900k four-bedroom house, has been told by granddaughter Rachel to ‘get out there and catch some rays’ because ‘after all, life is for the living’.

35-year-old mother-of-two and renter Rachel said: “I just hate to think of granny cooped up all alone in that big old house, with original cornicing and bay windows, when she could be outside.

“Although she made a great recovery from that hip fracture last month, her bone density is a real concern for me and there’s no better way to boost that vitamin D than sunlight. She should spend the day out there, unconcerned about sunstroke or dizziness.

“She worries about the neighbours seeing her sunbathing but there’s no chance, not through the orchard and ample wisteria cover round the back which would be a perfect spot for a wood-fired pizza oven. Nobody would see her for days.

“It just breaks my heart to think of granny not enjoying the sundeck on such a lovely day in such a great catchment area. While she can.”

Margaret Gerving said: “I shall be staying indoors with all the curtains and windows closed. Not because it’s good heatwave advice, but because I’m watching Bargain Hunt.”

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