JAMES Murdoch has caused the very nature of veracity to collapse in on itself after giving evidence to MPs.
Facts are now pouring into a swirling ‘bullshit hole’ located under Murdoch’s seat in Westminster, only to be fired back out at the speed of bollocks as greasily-manipulated half-truths.
Security guards have surrounded the vortex, erecting a stabilising barrier of accurate, pedestrian information in the form of Haynes car maintenance manuals and copies of the Wisden cricketing almanac.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute For Studies said: “To give you some idea of the bullshit hole’s devastating power, I threw in a copy of the report into the Columbine massacre and it spat out a Glee DVD.
“When I shouted ‘Good god, did you see that?’ a voice from the hole replied, ‘See what? I didn’t do anything’. ”
“It is an enormous anomaly, measuring over 6.8 on the ‘Chinny-Reckon’ scale.”
Enquiry organisers must now decide whether to allow Murdoch to give further evidence and risk the entire building becoming engulfed, or to continue proceedings in a lead-lined box suspended over the middle of the Atlantic.
Brubaker said: “Environmentalists have groused about marine life becoming contaminated with bollocks but, unlike humans, a blue whale would never tell a pod of dolphins that it has no knowledge about the recent disappearance of three tons of krill.”
He added: “We think that the only way to completely close the bullshit hole is to fire something even more mendacious at it. We’re hoping that Heather Mills will make the ultimate sacrifice.
“It’s either that or encase the hole in an ill-fitting suit and try to find it a safe seat in Buckinghamshire.”