Acceptable son-in-law given official tour of garage

A DAD has given his daughter’s boyfriend his official seal of approval by taking him on a guided tour of the garage.

After dating Bill McKay’s daughter Nikki for over a year and visiting her parents numerous times, Jack Browne was unexpectedly invited to peruse Bill’s jealously-guarded inner sanctum.

Browne said: “Despite having eaten a Sunday roast together on multiple occasions, Bill has barely directed anything at me other than a suspicious stare. So it was quite a shock when, after we’d finished the crumble, he stood up and said ‘Jack, let me show you around the garage’.

“I was tempted to laugh at first but then I saw Nikki welling up and her mum squeezing her hand, so I knew this was a really big deal.

“I followed him inside and he pointed out the old twin-tub washing machine, the half-empty containers of oil and his collection of screws that he keeps in a Christmas biscuit tin his mum bought in 1961.

“I was beginning to question whether my relationship with Nikki was worth this tedious nightmare, when he said, ‘If you’re good enough for Nikki, you’re good enough for me. One day, all this could be yours.'”

“I didn’t tell him I’d level the whole thing for a hot tub. It might have ruined the moment.”

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Man starts moisturising far, far too late

A MIDDLE-AGED man has adopted a new skincare routine, despite being so leathery and grizzled that it is too late to make a difference.

Following years of smoking, drinking and failing to apply suncream, Stephen Malley has started using a nightly moisturiser even though it is evident it will do f**k all for his desiccated face.

His wife Lucy Malley said: “There’s no amount of E45 that’s saving that man’s skin. He looks like something they dragged out of a sarcophagus in an ancient Egyptian tomb.

“He’s spent 30 years lying out in the blazing sun every summer, refusing to use the factor 15 and getting sunburnt, and he thinks a three quid tube of moisturiser from Boots is going to fix it.

“And he’s been drinking heavily and smoking, which ages you terribly. Just look at Keith Richards. And Stephen definitely hasn’t got the rock star charisma to pull it off.

“It’s not worth the effort. I applaud his newfound enthusiasm for self care, but, with the best will in the world, some turds just can’t be polished.”

Stephen Malley said: “I called my mates ‘gay’ for using sunscreen but now they’re ageing gracefully whereas I look like a withered old husk of a man. Bastards.”