Couple ecstatic after finding they shag marginally more than national average

A COUPLE are jubilant after reading that most people in their situation have sex 4.5 times a month, but they do it five – or even six – times.

Tom Booker and Nikki Hollis, who have been together three years, learned of their sexual prowess during their main activity as a couple, aimlessly flicking through social media.

Hollis said: “It’s important to spend quality time together, so we always spend a few hours a day side-by-side on the sofa staring at our phones in silence. That’s when I saw the link to the article.

“I wasn’t sure if we should click on it. Yes, we wanted to know we’re normal and not sexless freaks, but what if it said we should be porking 100 times a week? If I had to do that, I think I might die.”

The couple decided to take the plunge and read the clickbait, only to discover they did not know how infrequently they had sex.

Booker said: “We had to make a little chart. It wasn’t looking good but then we included when we’d tried but given up and I went from being a dried-up eunuch to a horndog lothario pornosexual.

“Whatever that is.”

Hollis added: “It averaged out to five times a month and I was no longer a frigid maiden but some sort of no-knickered filthy slut. I was so happy. 

“We had to celebrate and did so in the sexiest way we could think of. By putting on Netflix, watching hot people have sex, getting into our pyjamas and going straight to sleep.”

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'Are my grotesque racial caricatures offensive?': Your golliwog questions answered

ARE you unsure whether your collection of dolls based on crude racial stereotypes is offensive? After a row about golliwogs in a pub in Essex, here’s how to tell.

Do you find them cute?

People who like golliwogs in an innocent way find them appealing, with their happy smiles and colourful clothes. Often they’re a pleasing reminder of their own childhood. If you like golliwogs because they piss off black people and liberals, your gollies may be racist.

Do you joke about lynchings in Mississippi?

When discussing the dolls, collectors tend not to reference sickening racist violence. Indeed, Enid Blyton famously wrote The Three Golliwogs and none of them gets brutally murdered by Deep South bigots. Funny, that.

Do you disingenuously claim ‘golliwog’ is nothing to do with the word ‘wog’?

When the Essex golly row emerged, Britain First’s Paul Golding was straight on Twitter claiming the word ‘wogs’ comes from British workers in Egypt being known as ‘workers on government service’. Needless to say, this is absolute bollocks, and golliwogs were invented in America in the 1890s. If you see your gollies as symbols of Britain First’s brand of white nationalism, they are definitely offensive.

Do you not see gollies as black people?

Many lovers of gollies say they never connected them with black people, which is plausible because they’re a children’s toy, not in the least bit realistic, and maybe they never encountered any black people growing up. However, if you frequently comment on gollies’ physical resemblance to actual black people, you either need an urgent trip to Specsavers or are a f**king horrible racist.

Have you had your collection valued?

A serious collector will have their golliwogs valued by an expert, and invest in display cases to keep them in mint condition. If, however, you enjoy shooting your golliwogs with an air rifle while pissed, or setting fire to them, your interest is in them is definitely the racist sort.

Have you been pictured wearing a Britain First t-shirt?

If, like the pub landlord at the centre of the row, you choose to wear a Britain First t-shirt it’s a pretty good indicator that you’re a fascist and a racist without even discussing golliwogs. And don’t make pathetic excuses – as his wife did – about wearing it solely because it was ‘convenient at the time’. Were all his Martin Luther King t-shirts in the wash?