Man thinks girlfriend's mates will still hang out with him post break-up

A DELUSIONAL man has convinced himself that his ex’s friends will still invite him to things even though he’s no longer with her.

Oliver O’Connor was in a relationship with Francesca Johnson for two years and was regularly asked to her friends’ social occasions, a gesture she told him was because they genuinely liked him and not due to a sense of tedious obligation.

O’Connor said: “I know they knew her first, but they are definitely now my friends as much as they are hers. Or why would we have hung out so much?

“Yeah, Fran was there at pretty much every event. But there was that time Rob invited me on his stag do, and he was very careful to assure me it definitely wasn’t just to hit the right number of people for a cheap deal at the karting track.

“I haven’t heard from them since we split up last month but they’re just giving us some breathing space, and waiting for the dust to settle. They’ll be in touch soon. I know it.”

Francesca Johnson said: “Is he kidding? My mates have only mentioned him once since we broke up and that was to tell me he’s a boring dickhead and they never liked him in the first place.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Five situations that are impossible to get through without glancing at your phone

EVEN the most exciting of scenarios cannot compete with your phone. Here are five situations where you have to give it a quick glance.

Popping to the loo

You can’t seriously be expected to empty waste from your body with only your thoughts and imagination as a distraction, not least because they both withered away decades ago. The best they could possibly muster is ‘that’s better’ or ‘I hope nobody heard that’. Best to paper over your lack of cognitive abilities by scrolling social media for the duration.

Chatting to a hot date

They’re funny. They’re gorgeous. For some reason they seem into you too. But even the hottest and most compatible of dates can’t pull your eyes away from your phone for an entire evening. At some point you’ll flick your gaze down to look at a cat meme, which makes it look like you’re not interested in them. Then you’ll wonder why they ghosted you.

During an important work meeting

Sales are down. Budgets are shrinking. Your job’s under threat. How are you supposed to confront this terrifying reality head on? Easy: quickly tap your phone to see if you’ve got any funny messages to lift your spirits. Make sure you do this under the table though or you’ll be fired faster than your boss has already got planned.

While watching TV

Actors, writers and a load of behind the scenes people have all worked their arses off to bring you an hour of well-crafted drama, and how do you repay them? By reading reviews for the episode you’re currently watching to see if it’s worth finishing. Maybe you’ve got a phone addiction? Might as well research the symptoms on your mobile while you’re glued to it.

When you’re trying to sleep

Your alarm is on your phone, which means it needs to be kept within arms reach even when you’re asleep. And you can’t drift off without listening to an audiobook at low volume. Mindlessly bouncing between social media accounts is an important part of your bedtime routine too, yet somehow your circadian rhythm is still f**ked. If only there was some explanation for this.