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Person you haven't spoken to since school would like you to join obvious pyramid scheme

A WOMAN you had forgotten existed would like you to be part of what is clearly a blatant scam.

Lauren Hewitt, who you last saw on the day of your GCSE results, has invited you to think about whether you would like less work, more money and bigger opportunities in 2023.

In a Facebook message, Hewitt said: “Hi hun, how are you? Sorry to see your dad’s been in hospital. I thought you’d love to find out more about this amazing multi-level marketing opportunity.

“I’ve been helping people discover these incredible wellness supplements for a few months now and I’ve made a fortune. If you want to be part of this highly lucrative opportunity, just Paypal me £300 for your first 50 bottles.

“Then all you have to do is sign up 15 more people to this fantastic scheme and sit back while the money rolls in. Who doesn’t want a risk-free secondary income stream? Hope your dad doesn’t die xoxo”.

Ex-classmate Emma Bradfird said: “She used to call me ‘Big Arse Bradford’ and now she wants me to send her hundreds of pounds which I will definitely never see again. She can go and get f**ked.”

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Texting 'I'm on route': Things to make you lose interest in a date before it's even started

EXCITED about a date this evening? You won’t be when they do these off-putting things before it’s even begun:

Texting ‘I’m on route’

Say what you like about grammar Nazis, but there’s no excuse for being unable to correctly use a basic phrase like this. They’ll arrive expecting some fun flirtation but the first thing you’ll say is ‘It’s French for ‘on the way’, you stupid f**kwit. What else are you incapable of doing right?’ which might kill the chemistry somewhat.

Carrying a dorky backpack

You’ve booked a table at a sophisticated restaurant and they turn up with a massive, stupid rucksack which makes them look like a particularly nerdy little kid on their first day at school. After they’ve nearly knocked over an expensive vase and an old lady with it, you say you’ll just have a starter and then leg it as soon as you’re able.

Turning up in cycling gear

You were feeling pretty excited about this one and would have been happy to see their genitals at some stage, but you hadn’t banked on it being as they approach you in the pub clad head-to-toe in Lycra. It’s a no-go before they’ve already crashed their stupid ergonomic helmet down on the table and slopped your drink everywhere.

Smelling strange 

Smelling unwashed is a definite no-no, but getting a waft of something strange or overpowering as someone stands next to you at the bar is also off-putting. Whether it’s patchouli oil, fried food or a particularly rank but probably ruinously expensive perfume, you can tell a lot about someone at first whiff, most of it bad.

Finishing a call

If they’re meeting you for a date they should be giving you their full attention, so turning up half way through a phone call and expecting you to stand there like a lemon while they finish talking to their mate about Succession does not bode well for the future. Just walk away, they probably won’t even notice until you’re on the bus home.

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