Middle-aged people the last generation left not watching TV with subtitles

THE generation between the ages of 43 and 58 are the last people left who are physically capable of watching TV without subtitles, it has emerged.

With young people raised on Netflix and elderly people who refuse to wear their hearing aids both needing every line spelled out to them, Gen X-ers fear they are part of a dying breed.

Tom Booker, 51, said: “Subtitles used to be reserved for the genuinely deaf and the kind of old biddies who write into the BBC complaining about mumbling, but now even my 13-year-old has them on constantly.

“I’d understand if she was watching arthouse films in foreign languages, but she never is. It’s always Cobra Kai or Love Island or some other silly bollocks.

“I asked her if she couldn’t guess what they were saying even if she’s busy looking at TikTok and painting her nails at the same time and she said it’s because she needs to be able to screenshot things to instantly turn into memes. F**k, I feel old.”

Tom’s wife Donna said: “Well, of course he doesn’t understand. He only watches things that don’t require subtitles, like football and porn.”

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Why isn’t everyone excited about the new Star Wars film? By Martin Bishop

I PRACTICALLY jizzed with excitement when I discovered there’ll be a sequel to The Rise of Skywalker. More Rey! More Luke as a force ghost! Finally we’ll find out what happens to Babu Frik!

Naturally I started ringing round all my friends. ‘Rey’s back!’ I gasped. ‘She’s rebuilding the Jedi Order!’ They weren’t as excited as I’d expected, but it takes a while for massive news to sink in, like being told you’ve got to have a leg amputated.

But Lucy was damning. ‘They’re all dogshit now,’ she said. ‘I particularly hated the bit where Laura Dern blew up the First Order fleet. Did they not realise before then that the kinetic energy of the tiniest particle at hyperspace speed would vaporise anything? And why’s she got social justice warrior hair?’

‘That is a bit confusing,’ I admitted, as she went off on a surprisingly angry tangent about building spaceships underground being ‘really f**king stupid’.

Sorry, Luce, but you’re wrong. There’s no way a professional entertainment company responsible for classics like Snow White would destroy a franchise worth billions by putting out made-up-as-you-go-along stories you’d normally expect from a particularly stupid and annoying four-year-old. It just wouldn’t happen.

There are so many directions to go in after the last three films. Will Finn rekindle his romance with Rose Tico? That was like Han and Leia all over again, slightly. I think everyone fell in love with Rose a little bit. Well, I didn’t. But maybe someone did.

Will Palpatine come back from the dead again? It doesn’t seem as if there’s anything much stopping him. He could just keep dying and coming back indefinitely. That would be so exciting.

Plus there are all the new minor characters, like the hairy alien droidsmith Babu Frik, who looks a beaver with a skin disease. He’s like Baby Yoda, but nauseating.

And of course there’s Rey. Will she turn into Evil Sith Rey with pointed teeth? That was so mysterious. I mean, what the f**k was it even about? And now that force ghosts interacting with the physical world is canon, Kylo Ren could partially return now and then. He was whinier and more irritating than Anakin. That’s how good an actor Adam Driver is.

Anyway, I’d better get back on the phone. I’m trying to prebook my ticket before they sell out, although the woman at the multiplex said not to bother, there’ll be loads spare. What an idiot. I bet she hasn’t got a clue who Maz Kanata is.