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Man trying to convince people Fleshlight is perfectly normal like a vibrator

A MAN is endeavouring to convince people that having a Fleshlight is just as normal as a woman having a vibrator. 

Nathan Muir believes that owning a tube with fake labia attached to wank into is no weirder than a woman pleasuring herself with an intensely whirring pretend penis.

Muir said: “Women have a range of sex toys at their disposal and everyone thinks it’s empowering and liberating and all about enjoying your sexuality. But when I proudly tell people about Esmerelda, they look at me funny and change the subject.

“I’ve tried suggesting to the lads that we have Ann Summers-style parties at each other’s houses where we drink white wine and buy Fleshlights, but they’re not responding to my texts for some reason.

“Grazia and Cosmopolitan are full of reviews and pictures of sex toys, and tips on using them, so why isn’t Esquire? The ladies are completely unembarrassed by it all, and I really don’t see what the difference is.”

Muir’s friend Jack Browne said: “Any type of plastic genital replacement is pretty weird when you really think about it, but the main difference is that Nathan’s a massive creepy pervert.”

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Five types of pub toilet graffiti that just leave you baffled

GONE to the pub toilet without your phone? Don’t panic – there’s plenty of mystifying graffiti to keep you entertained instead. Like this:

Offers of sex

Pretty much every pub toilet will feature a message like ‘For sex call Alan’ followed by a phone number. The mystery is whether Alan is genuinely inviting you to give him a ring, or if the poor unsuspecting man is being pranked by a mate. And if it’s the former, has Alan never heard of Tinder? Or is it such a cesspit of human misery that he fancies his chances more in the bog of the Crown and Sceptre?

Art works

There is only one category of pub toilet artwork, and that’s penises. They’re usually huge, excessively hairy and squirting out an inordinately large amount of jizz. But are they accurate representations of their owners or something that the artist aspires to? It’s probably best not to attempt to find out.

Shit philosophy

Even the most nonsensical phrases sound like ancient wisdom when you’re pissed. ’You must first lose yourself in order to find yourself’ is complete gibberish when you’re sober, but after you’ve had a few Jägerbombs you return to your friends and excitedly pass on your this nugget of wisdom. Expecting them to nod their heads in sage agreement, you’re instead told to stop talking shite.

Limericks

Many poets, from Dorothy Parker to Dylan Thomas, were massive boozers, but did they ever write a limerick on the wall of a pub toilet? Probably not, because the one you read in the gents about the man from Nantucket doesn’t scan, rhyme or make sense so being pissed doesn’t seem to help the creative process.

Strange abuse

‘Donna fellates potatoes’ catches your attention as you sit on the loo doing your business. Does she actually, you wonder. They’d have to be pretty small as a baking one wouldn’t fit in her mouth. And why? Is it a sex thing? Or a baseless accusation by a spurned lover. Before you know it, 20 minutes have passed and your mate’s come in to check you haven’t slipped in a pool of piss and knocked yourself out.

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