Couple glad they've got four more weeks of lockdown to blame relationship on

A COUPLE are glad to have a further four weeks blaming lockdown for the state of their relationship before facing the facts. 

Lauren Hewitt and Jack Browne have been locked down together throughout the pandemic and have really enjoyed believing that their constant rows and lack of sex are because of the straitened circumstances, not their fundamental incompatibility.

Hewitt said: “Such a shame Freedom Day’s off. No more restrictions on gatherings, no more social distancing, no more excuses. I think I’ve got a good idea how we’d have celebrated it.

“But sadly we won’t be reaching that point until July, so we’ve got an extra four weeks to pretend that the real reason I’ve stormed off halfway through Gogglebox is that I’m upset that gigs are still prohibited.”

Browne agreed: “There’s something about nightclub openings being postponed that really casts a cloud over our love. That’s why we’ve been fighting and sulking ever since last March.

“I’m sure everything will be alright by the time we reach July 19th. One way or another.”

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Do you rely on British history for your identity or have you got your own personality?

DO you need statues, flags and Empires to be an interesting person or can you do it all by yourself? Find out:

How do you feel about Winston Churchill?

A) An absolute hero. I love and respect him more than my own grandad, and act like he was the one who gave me birthday card with a fiver in it every year.

B) Given that he’s a historical figure I don’t have any feelings about him. I have some thoughts, but that’s a different thing.

Do you think you are inherently superior because you were born in Britain?

A) Yes. I am part of a long line of special Brits like Shakespeare, Nelson and Cromwell. I mean, I’m not related to any of them as I come from peasant stock but that doesn’t stop me being totally amazing by having heard of them.

B) No, it’s just a geographical coincidence. To be honest, I’d rather have been born somewhere it doesn’t piss with rain all the time.

Are statues of vital importance to your identity? 

A) I never gave statues a second thought until the Daily Telegraph told me too but now they are top of the list of things that make me who I am.

B) Do garden gnomes count? I’ve got quite a large collection.

Does the Union Jack flag make you feel all funny in the groin area?

A) Phwoar, yes, that random selection of colours and shapes is the most beautiful thing in the world.

B) It did when Geri Halliwell wore one at the Brits that time, but that’s about it.


Mostly As: You are relying too heavily on the deeds of old, dead people for your sense of self. Try finding a personality elsewhere, for example through getting obsessed with metal detecting.

Mostly Bs: You have developed your own personality, but it largely revolves around being a self-satisfied, elitist leftie. Try being less smug, you might make some friends.