Want to make yourself feel better through mindless consumerism? Here are some items to purchase and forget:
Electric toothbrush
Initially exciting, electric toothbrushes quickly become irritating due to lengthy charging times, always trying to link to your phone via Bluetooth propensity for falling down the side of the sink. Stick it in the bathroom cupboard with the scales you’ve not consulted since lockdown began.
Fancy journal
Recording all your innermost thoughts and worries in a beautiful handmade journal seems like a useful, reflective thing to do. Until you remember that you’ve already got Facebook for this and a journal won’t enable 62 acquaintances to reply to your narcissistic outpourings with ‘U ok hun?’
Heated ice-cream scoop
A heated ice-cream scoop solves what is probably the world’s smallest problem. Anyway, the truth is you’re going to eat 90 per cent of the ice cream from the tub at 3am, when you’re so pissed you’ll scoop it out with your debit card rather than be arsed to search the kitchen for this ridiculous implement.
Paddleboard
You live in Swindon, your weekends are already taken up with hangovers, kids, sport on telly or all three, and, anyway, you don’t have a roof rack. The ultimate white elephant for any suburban garage, a paddleboard will be an annoying item you trip over for three years before eventually putting it in a neighbour’s skip in the middle of the night.
Spiraliser
Purchased in the January sales after a particularly heavy New Year’s Eve, the spiraliser was going to help you become the healthy, wholesome person you know you really are. After one fiddly, annoying dinner, it went straight into the cupboard with the bread maker where it will stay until you die from eating ready meals.
