Couple sure insanely expensive wedding will make them fancy each other

A COUPLE in the final stages of planning a wedding believe it will finally make them attracted to each other.

Nikki Hollis and Tom Booker think a lavish event will turn them into a loving couple rather than two people who find each other quite irritating but reckon it is better than nothing.

Hollis said: “Having a perfect wedding will prove Tom and I are deeply in love really, even if we rarely have sex and argue constantly about ludicrous things like buying a new kettle.

“Tom’s traditional morning suit even makes him look slightly attractive if I use my imagination a bit.

“I’m sure our honeymoon in Dubai and my new lingerie will inflame his passions and he won’t just stay up till 2am drinking lager and watching Traffic Cops.”

Booker said: “Hopefully the wedding will be the romantic equivalent of going to a football match at a big stadium where you get carried along by the atmosphere even if you don’t really care about the teams.

“It might not, so on honeymoon I plan to go scuba diving and have a ride in a helicopter so I’ll have some memories I can cherish forever.”

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Johnson, Gove and Rees-Mogg are our Brexit Dream Team too, says EU

THE EU has confirmed that it would be delighted to deal with the Brexit ‘Dream Team’ of Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and Jacob Rees-Mogg.

EU negotiator Michel Barnier admitted that a prime minister completely beholden to the City’s every desire, a deputy skilled at explaining away catastrophic failure and a chancellor of the exchequer from the mid-19th Century would be perfect.

He added: “Johnson is the guy who was pro-Brexit until the very last minute and is desperately trying to save his career? Yes, I could absolutely work with that.

“Gove I only know as the man who whose very touch turns everything to shit. A sort of ‘Shit-Midas’. That is very useful experience for these negotiations.

“And Mr Rees-Mogg does not seem to be aware of the existence of microchips and still refers to Sri Lanka as ‘Ceylon’. Who better?”