Couple who've been together ages think that makes them better

A COUPLE who are celebrating their 15th anniversary this year believe that it makes them incredible humans uniquely qualified to give out life advice.

Stephen and Emma Bradford met at university and have been inseparable ever since, marrying ahead of all their close friends and smugly already paying a mortgage.

Stephen said: “You get so much more from life when you approach it as a team. I’ve told my friends that, but it’s advice they haven’t heeded.

“It seems they prefer to waste their time sleeping around and falling in and out of relationships. Not us. We tied the knot at 27 and we’re not even Christians, just committed to each other and our shared future.

“Obviously, our way of doing things is the ideal, and all our mates are envious of our lifestyle. They’re on the apps and we’ve got a house. Not that we look down on them for it. They have our sympathy.”

Friend Charlotte Phelps said: “They’re always like ‘have you met anyone?’ and pulling this frowny face, as if they couldn’t possibly imagine anyone enjoying being single at 30.

“Especially when it’s just luck that they found each other. And good thing they did, too, because he’s got no sense of humour and she has weird eyebrows.”

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We ask you: what now for Liverpool after Jurgen Klopp?

CHARISMATIC Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp is leaving the club at the end of the season. What now for the club and the city? 

Norman Steele, security guard: “A return to our good old-fashioned prejudices, singing ‘aye aye ippy the Germans bombed our chippy’ and that. We’ve had nine years off, that’s plenty.”

Nikki Hollis, eyebrow threader: “Klopp described his style as ‘heavy metal football’, so we owe it to him to carry that on. Put Rob Halford of Judas Priest in the hot seat.”

Grace Wood-Morris, student: “I don’t see why there’s a problem. That’s why we’ve got Everton as a back-up, otherwise one city wouldn’t have two clubs. We’ll take their manager.”

Oliver O’Connor, chef: “I mean if there was ever a case for AI this is it. Scan Jurgen, feed in all his management decisions, AI Jurgen. Klopp-1000. I don’t know what to f**king call it, I’m a chef.”

Joanna Kramer, ferry captain: “Hear me out. Why not simply Ringo Starr?”