A WOMAN is at a loss over how to break it to her husband that he has been crap at foreplay for the last nine years.
Helen Bishop initially did not mention his ineptitude due to not wanting to crush his confidence, and now feels too much water has passed under the bridge for her to say anything.
She said: “During the honeymoon phase I was prepared to overlook it as I thought he’d improve with practise, but after the eleventh time he mistook my belly button for my clitoris I started to worry.
“I’ve made a rod for my own back though by not talking about it, as now he makes reference to his ‘legendary moves’ despite the fact that one of those moves is taking his socks off.
“Sometimes he refers to himself as a ‘love machine’ and what I want to say is ‘Do you know what a real love machine is, Martin? It’s a vibrator.’
“‘And because of your ham-fisted lovemaking, I own six of them.'”