NOT having much luck finding love? Here are some brutal dating tips to help you at least get a perfunctory shag.
Dramatically lower your standards
If you’ve been struggling to find someone for a while, it’s not that the right person hasn’t come along, it’s that you’ve set the bar way too high. By abandoning your standards in terms of looks, income and personality, you’ll find yourself with a huge pool of ugly, unsuccessful twats to choose from. Sex will repulse you, but you’ll be quite the catch!
Make sure your dealbreakers aren’t f**king stupid
When you were young and gorgeous you could afford to turn someone down because they said ‘pacific’ when they meant ‘specific’ or thought home brewing was an acceptable hobby. Now you’re losing your looks and increasingly desperate, so it’s time to bite the bullet and overlook that CAMRA membership or New Age crystals bullshit unless you want to die alone.
People don’t improve
If on the first date they’re rude, stupid, smelly, boring or sexist, don’t be so desperate you convince yourself they’ll change under your influence. They won’t, even if you buy them free deodorant for the rest of their life and a copy of The Female Eunuch. These are genuine dealbreakers, but it’ll be too late to bale once you’re shackled to a mortgage and three kids.
‘Nice’ is unlikely to grow into ‘raging passion’
Been on a few dates with someone who’s quite pleasant and harmless and can’t bear to break it off because they’re ‘nice’? Stop being such a wimp. If you didn’t fancy shagging them on the first date, you won’t suddenly start because you’ve been to a few National Trust properties together. Do them and yourself a favour: tell them they’re dull as shit and move on. They’ll thank you for alerting them to their sexual unattractiveness later.
Just give up now
Honestly, is there any point? People are largely annoying bastards, so do you want to tether yourself to one who is constantly present, breathing loudly, picking their ears and turning the kitchen into a bomb site even when they’re just making a sandwich? Get a hamster, they’re less fuss and die an awful lot quicker.