Dramatically lower your standards, and five other brutal dating tips

NOT having much luck finding love? Here are some brutal dating tips to help you at least get a perfunctory shag.

Dramatically lower your standards

If you’ve been struggling to find someone for a while, it’s not that the right person hasn’t come along, it’s that you’ve set the bar way too high. By abandoning your standards in terms of looks, income and personality, you’ll find yourself with a huge pool of ugly, unsuccessful twats to choose from. Sex will repulse you, but you’ll be quite the catch!

Make sure your dealbreakers aren’t f**king stupid

When you were young and gorgeous you could afford to turn someone down because they said ‘pacific’ when they meant ‘specific’ or thought home brewing was an acceptable hobby. Now you’re losing your looks and increasingly desperate, so it’s time to bite the bullet and overlook that CAMRA membership or New Age crystals bullshit unless you want to die alone.

People don’t improve

If on the first date they’re rude, stupid, smelly, boring or sexist, don’t be so desperate you convince yourself they’ll change under your influence. They won’t, even if you buy them free deodorant for the rest of their life and a copy of The Female Eunuch. These are genuine dealbreakers, but it’ll be too late to bale once you’re shackled to a mortgage and three kids.

‘Nice’ is unlikely to grow into ‘raging passion’

Been on a few dates with someone who’s quite pleasant and harmless and can’t bear to break it off because they’re ‘nice’? Stop being such a wimp. If you didn’t fancy shagging them on the first date, you won’t suddenly start because you’ve been to a few National Trust properties together. Do them and yourself a favour: tell them they’re dull as shit and move on. They’ll thank you for alerting them to their sexual unattractiveness later.

Just give up now

Honestly, is there any point? People are largely annoying bastards, so do you want to tether yourself to one who is constantly present, breathing loudly, picking their ears and turning the kitchen into a bomb site even when they’re just making a sandwich? Get a hamster, they’re less fuss and die an awful lot quicker.

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Motorist with 20 years' experience still a bit shaky on roundabouts

A MAN who has racked up two decades on the roads still remains totally baffled whenever he encounters a roundabout.

Martin Bishop has developed his own coping strategy for such intersections, including planting himself in the middle of the road, turning up Radio 2 to full volume, and hoping sheer luck will prevent a collision. 

Bishop said: “I passed my test so I must have known how they work at some stage. I think there’s something about giving way to the right, which I don’t get. Why doesn’t everyone drive very slowly round the perimeter on the far left? Then I wouldn’t start hyperventilating.

“I try to avoid roundabouts when I can, but if I can’t I try something new every time, hoping I’ll finally crack it. Sometimes I lurch wildly between lanes, or stick the hazards on and smash my fist on the horn. Once I simply waited my turn for 15 minutes. You should have seen the tailback!

“But what never changes is the basics – I always close my eyes, press the accelerator down and hope for the best. No one can ask for more than that. 

“At the end of the day, no one really understands roundabouts. They’re a bit like the Bermuda Triangle or Stonehenge. Was Stonehenge a neolithic roundabout? The Discovery Channel should look into it.”

Fellow driver Donna Sheridan said: “Everyone round here knows Martin in his little Fiat with all the dents in it. My husband swears he once panicked so badly at a T-junction he drove into a canal, bless.”