WORRIED about rising bills and the lack of government support? Let me, Jeremy Hunt, explain why being made to toil away in an underpaid job will cure all your woes.
It’ll be character building
The British public is notoriously soft. By being driven into the salt mines of the working world, layabouts will develop a sense of steely determination and resolve not seen since World War Two. Also bitter old Tory voters like seeing other people having it tough, even if they grew up perfectly happily in the 70s.
The unemployment graph will go down
Admittedly more of a benefit for the government than for you. We’ll be able to sell low unemployment numbers to thick-as-mince voters come the next election and trick them into thinking we’re doing a good job. We might even be able to cling on to power, imagine that! If that doesn’t fill you with joy, nothing will.
You’ll get valuable work experience
This argument is usually used on youngsters to tempt them into shit jobs, but now we’re saying it to everyone. So what if you were a surgeon who retired early after decades of service? It’s about time you experienced working in a call centre or stacking supermarket shelves. We’re teaching you new skills and it’s good to have another string to your bow. You should be grateful.
No more family arguments
Families with too much spare time get into a rut and start bickering. But if you’re working every hour of the day in several underpaid jobs you won’t have time to squabble. You’ll miss out on the fleeting gift of watching your children grow up, but count your blessings. Suella says we should put benefits-claiming families on giant hamster wheels to generate electricity, with whippings.
Your pension’s shit anyway
Your unremarkable career hasn’t exactly set you up for a comfortable retirement, and the country’s still too broke from Labour’s financial mishandling decades ago to bail you out. The obvious solution is to never retire and work until you die of exhaustion. It’s a simple, cost-effective fix that benefits everyone. Except you, soz.
