Why forcing you to work in an underpaid job will solve everything, by Jeremy Hunt

WORRIED about rising bills and the lack of government support? Let me, Jeremy Hunt, explain why being made to toil away in an underpaid job will cure all your woes.

It’ll be character building

The British public is notoriously soft. By being driven into the salt mines of the working world, layabouts will develop a sense of steely determination and resolve not seen since World War Two. Also bitter old Tory voters like seeing other people having it tough, even if they grew up perfectly happily in the 70s.

The unemployment graph will go down

Admittedly more of a benefit for the government than for you. We’ll be able to sell low unemployment numbers to thick-as-mince voters come the next election and trick them into thinking we’re doing a good job. We might even be able to cling on to power, imagine that! If that doesn’t fill you with joy, nothing will.

You’ll get valuable work experience

This argument is usually used on youngsters to tempt them into shit jobs, but now we’re saying it to everyone. So what if you were a surgeon who retired early after decades of service? It’s about time you experienced working in a call centre or stacking supermarket shelves. We’re teaching you new skills and it’s good to have another string to your bow. You should be grateful.

No more family arguments

Families with too much spare time get into a rut and start bickering. But if you’re working every hour of the day in several underpaid jobs you won’t have time to squabble. You’ll miss out on the fleeting gift of watching your children grow up, but count your blessings. Suella says we should put benefits-claiming families on giant hamster wheels to generate electricity, with whippings.

Your pension’s shit anyway

Your unremarkable career hasn’t exactly set you up for a comfortable retirement, and the country’s still too broke from Labour’s financial mishandling decades ago to bail you out. The obvious solution is to never retire and work until you die of exhaustion. It’s a simple, cost-effective fix that benefits everyone. Except you, soz.

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How will the budget affect a decent, normal, homeowning family, not childless, single, renting freaks like you?

TODAY is Jeremy Hunt’s first budget – but how will it affect ordinary families with children and mortgages, not bizarre childless singleton aberrations?

ENERGY: Hardworking families will get extra help with their energy needs, like washing football kit and gathering around the kitchen table to play Monopoly. Regrettably, these subsidies are unavoidably extended to peculiar losers who have found nobody to love them.

FREE CHILDCARE: Young families feeling the pinch are given 30 hours of free childcare a week for children under three, and boy, do they need it! Those who have selfishly transgressed against societal norms by not having children get nothing and have to pay for the childcare of others.

ALCOHOL DUTY: 45p on a bottle of wine won’t really bother couples who enjoy one sensible glass in front of Dragon’s Den. It’s going to hit lonely scum like you in fancy jobs in the arts who drink heavily to drown their sorrows at how their lives have worked out miserable. Good.

FUEL DUTY: A freeze on fuel duty will be a real boost to families with two children who love to drive out to a National Trust property at the weekend for a wholesome picnic. You probably haven’t even got a car and use public transport with your precious little earbuds in, clinging to a podcast for company. You’re pathetic and you make us sick.

PENSIONS: The lifetime pension allowance goes up, so silver-haired but active couples can enjoy comfortable retirements, playing with their grandchildren in their large gardens and owning a labrador. You probably have cats, don’t you? And of course you haven’t got a pension. You’re too obsessed with Balenciaga trainers, city breaks, and paying rent.

SWIMMING POOLS: A new £63-million fund will help swimming pools stay open, so dads can horse around with their boys having the time of their lives. Don’t bring them down with your joyless lane swimming. Join a gym like all the other loners with nothing to fill their evenings. Stop offending us with your existence.