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Late-night activities that'll sicken you for choosing them over sex

IS it time for bed with your loving partner, but somehow you just can’t be arsed to leave the sofa? Here are things that’ll leave you ashamed of your own sloth but you’ll do anyway.

Have a solitary drinks party

Polish off the wine or crack open more booze in a sad little party-for-one. An unusual gathering where all the guests, ie. you, watch the fallout of an earthquake in Turkmenistan on rolling news. Curse your feeble sex drive, because a shag then sleep would have prevented you being sleep-deprived and hungover tomorrow at work.

Thinking 

Late at night, when you’re tired and it’s gloomy, is the worst time to reflect on the inherently disappointing nature of existence. Even the most mundane sex would have been infinitely preferably to a mental trawl through opportunities missed, careers that never happened and people you could have shagged. Plus you’ll probably dream about an old flame idealised by your subconscious mind and wake up emotionally jittery and depressed. 

Start something creative

Weirdly, your brain can suddenly fire up late at night. Now, focused and without distractions, is the time to grab your laptop and begin your Day of the Jackal or Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. After 22 minutes you realise it’s harder than it looks and all you’ve come up with is a vague kids’ book idea about a comprehensive school for psychic children. 

A depressing snack

An illicit midnight snack can be satisfying if you’ve got nice food in. However you probably haven’t and you’re trying not to clatter around the kitchen. Pickled onions with tomato puree in a slice of brown bread and a bag of beef crisps is not a sensory pleasure superior to sex.

Watch the TV dead zone 

It’s the time of night when The LeoVegas Live Casino Show is deemed acceptable viewing. You’re not some pathetic gambling addict though – you decisively switch over to American Dad, the even poorer man’s Family Guy. It’s shit, so you watch the relatively interesting air fryers on Ideal World. Maybe there’s a repeat of The Professionals on ITV4? No, just Hornblower again. Ironic, really, because you missed your chance to get your horn blown an hour ago.

Masturbate

With a bit of phone porn you end up having an unsatisfactory sexual experience when you could have had a less unsatisfactory one at a sensible time. Paul Newman once famously said: ‘Why go out for hamburgers when I have steak at home?’ This is more like dialling out for a bag of Wotsits when you could have had a Pot Noodle in the shed.

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Six tasks you'll continue to perform while busting for a piss

COMMON sense dictates you should go to the loo, but you feel compelled to have a white-knuckle race between completing a minor chore and weeing yourself. Which will win?

Putting shopping away

In the time it takes to have a piss your shopping will not go off, defrost, or walk away. However the urge to put everything away is strong. Due to the mounting piss crisis the task will be rushed, items will go in the wrong places and you’ll have to reorganise everything later. At which point gravity will win and a nosy neighbour peering into your back garden will have a view of you sitting on the kitchen sink they’re unlikely to forget.

Making a brew

You’re making a hot drink, but need the loo. So why continue? Pouring and stirring will only make a desperate situation worse. If you do manage to finish, you’ll have to leave it cooling down while you race to the loo. But because you don’t like tepid coffee you stupidly try to squeeze in drinking it too. As one hot liquid enters your body another exits.

Feeding the pets

You love your pets, but they won’t starve in the time it takes for you to wee. Opening a tin of cat food and bending down to place the bowl on the floor will test your bulging bladder to the limit and Sheba may have to dine while standing in a warm puddle. Don’t even think about going near the fish tank – the sight of all that water will trigger your waterworks like flood gates being opened in an emergency.

Tidying up

Why do out-of-place cushions and chairs take precedence over the crippling spasms of holding a pint of piss in? You know the tidying will continue onto straightening curtains and sorting through papers until the point of no return comes and a vase will contain something unusual for flowers to drink.

Hanging up the washing 

You put a wash on before you left the house. Now it’s been sitting there for hours, no doubt in the early stages of growing mould, so despite your bladder screaming to be emptied you feel a burning desire to hang it out. Trying to neatly hang a full load of damp clothes while doing a jig and clenching your bladder muscles is a near-impossible feat, so it’s lucky you dropped a towel on the floor. Better wash that again now.

Staying on a call

Whether audio or video, not finishing a call is a gamble. Your twitchiness and blunt responses will suggest you’re rude and unpleasant to deal with, which you really aren’t when your bladder sphincter isn’t about to give way. It’s best to excuse yourself before your boss or a business client hears a torrent of piss being unleashed as you sit there with a look of horror and ecstasy on your face, and makes it the last time you ever speak.

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