How you'll never have sex again if you don't shave your balls, by the makers of ball trimmers

14th March 2023

YOU’VE seen our YouTube ads so you know that hairy bollocks are socially unacceptable. Here’s why women will be repulsed and you’ll die alone if you don’t trim:

Hairy balls look like a shower blockage

Unshaven testicles look like a matted clump of stinky hair pulled from the shower drain, causing any potential mate to retch before disappearing from your life forever. Decades later, a broken man drinking Tesco vodka alone in a filthy bedsit, you’ll know it could all have been different if you’d just bought a ball trimmer.

Shaved balls evoke a new fitted kitchen

Shaved scrotal sacs look shiny and smooth, like a brand new work surface or Bosch oven, which are women’s favourite things. Apart from the fact that’ll she’ll want adventurous sex all the time, a £50 balls trimmer is a lot cheaper than soft-close drawers and a granite-topped island.

Unshaved balls make you little more than a beast

Like a cat, dog or monkey. Who knows what you’ll do next? Defecate in your hand and fling it at the television? Or are you going to sit there unselfconsciously licking your anus clean? Women don’t want to be with a man who might start humping their favourite Laura Ashley cushions, so get our ball trimmer, ideally one of the pricey £160 ones.

Who knows what’s living in there?

Anything could be hiding in your impenetrable thicket of knacker pubes – spiders, cockroaches, a colony of field mice. All waiting to leap onto your girlfriend’s face. A ball trimmer will give you both peace of mind.

You could become entangled in machinery

You’re walking past a cement mixer or lathe. One of your Rapunzelesque pubes becomes entangled, dragging you groin-first into the machinery. A quick death would be merciful. More likely you’ll be castrated and become one of those perverts who ends up in A&E with a ketchup bottles up his bum for sexual gratification.

Women find bodily hair disgusting

1970s hairy chests, hirsute backs, and Fred West sideburns all repel women, along with big hairy balls like eyeless Flumps. All females prefer the hairless look, fact. What else explains the appeal of chromedome Jason Statham? It’s not his films.

Go-getters have shaved balls

Sleek, hairless, aerodynamic balls denote an Alpha male. Your life consists of high-performance cars, billion-dollar business deals and luxury yachts. When a woman realises this could have been her life but instead she’s dating a £25k-a-year Fiat Punto-driving hairy-balled loser she will leave you.

You might be a werewolf

Are werewolves real? We cannot know for sure, but yes. The key sign of a lycanthrope is hairy testicles. No woman wants to risk waking in the night to find you munching on an eviscerated sheep carcass, especially if she’s got a Powerpoint presentation later. So buy a f**king ball trimmer. We’re not going to stop pestering until we’ve shifted 14 million.

Five perfectly normal things that dickheads have decided are woke

14th March 2023

HAS the culture war distorted your worldview into that of a dickhead? Do you consider these everyday things to be woke overreach?

Tofu

For normal people, tofu is a meat substitute to be avoided because it tastes of less than chicken. For dickheads, this white bean curd is the sole diet of a nefarious radical left blob that wants to indoctrinate innocent kids into Marxism. If a Churchill statue was made of tofu, GB News would demand it be torn down.

Women being on TV

To the untrained eye, a woman presenting QI or being Doctor Who is an unremarkable reflection of a wider population which contains women. Not so for a dickhead. They think it’s the latest in a series of box-ticking rules designed to repress men and usher in a new era of matriarchal tyranny. They’ve got no problem with ‘the fit blonde one’ on Countdown though, oddly. That’s Corbynites.

Electric cars

‘Electric cars? What’s next, electric…’ a dickhead will sneer, before failing to think of a punchline. As far as they’re concerned, cars should run on dead dinosaur juice and steadily destroy the environment. Cars powered by batteries only encourage their nemesis, Greta Thunberg, to save the planet for their other nemesis, under-25s.

The term ‘people of colour’

Woke, or a more respectful way of referring to people who are not white? Depends who you ask. Most agree that it’s an improvement on what they used to be called, whereas dickheads will claim it’s an attack on their liberty to use whatever terms they deem appropriate. Usually followed with ‘well if Chris Rock’s allowed to say it…’

Wheelchair ramps

Dickheads are scared of things they don’t understand. This includes considerations for people with needs that are different to their own. Far from being a basic accessibility measure, a wheelchair ramp will be seen as an expensive frippery likely mandated by the EU. Why not pave over them and build a luxury flat I can rent out, they’ll wonder.