YOU’VE seen our YouTube ads so you know that hairy bollocks are socially unacceptable. Here’s why women will be repulsed and you’ll die alone if you don’t trim:
Hairy balls look like a shower blockage
Unshaven testicles look like a matted clump of stinky hair pulled from the shower drain, causing any potential mate to retch before disappearing from your life forever. Decades later, a broken man drinking Tesco vodka alone in a filthy bedsit, you’ll know it could all have been different if you’d just bought a ball trimmer.
Shaved balls evoke a new fitted kitchen
Shaved scrotal sacs look shiny and smooth, like a brand new work surface or Bosch oven, which are women’s favourite things. Apart from the fact that’ll she’ll want adventurous sex all the time, a £50 balls trimmer is a lot cheaper than soft-close drawers and a granite-topped island.
Unshaved balls make you little more than a beast
Like a cat, dog or monkey. Who knows what you’ll do next? Defecate in your hand and fling it at the television? Or are you going to sit there unselfconsciously licking your anus clean? Women don’t want to be with a man who might start humping their favourite Laura Ashley cushions, so get our ball trimmer, ideally one of the pricey £160 ones.
Who knows what’s living in there?
Anything could be hiding in your impenetrable thicket of knacker pubes – spiders, cockroaches, a colony of field mice. All waiting to leap onto your girlfriend’s face. A ball trimmer will give you both peace of mind.
You could become entangled in machinery
You’re walking past a cement mixer or lathe. One of your Rapunzelesque pubes becomes entangled, dragging you groin-first into the machinery. A quick death would be merciful. More likely you’ll be castrated and become one of those perverts who ends up in A&E with a ketchup bottles up his bum for sexual gratification.
Women find bodily hair disgusting
1970s hairy chests, hirsute backs, and Fred West sideburns all repel women, along with big hairy balls like eyeless Flumps. All females prefer the hairless look, fact. What else explains the appeal of chromedome Jason Statham? It’s not his films.
Go-getters have shaved balls
Sleek, hairless, aerodynamic balls denote an Alpha male. Your life consists of high-performance cars, billion-dollar business deals and luxury yachts. When a woman realises this could have been her life but instead she’s dating a £25k-a-year Fiat Punto-driving hairy-balled loser she will leave you.
You might be a werewolf
Are werewolves real? We cannot know for sure, but yes. The key sign of a lycanthrope is hairy testicles. No woman wants to risk waking in the night to find you munching on an eviscerated sheep carcass, especially if she’s got a Powerpoint presentation later. So buy a f**king ball trimmer. We’re not going to stop pestering until we’ve shifted 14 million.