Dumped man somehow thinks he's getting mixed messages

A MAN who has been explicitly told he is dumped is still managing to read mixed messages into the situation, it has emerged.

James Bates was told by Lucy Parry in no uncertain terms that their relationship was over, there was no chance of recovering it, and they should both move on, yet he is still picking up a hint of subtext.

He said: “Sure, Lucy’s moved out, taken all her things with her and blocked me on social media. But methinks the lady doth protest too much.

“By saying she no longer loves me, does that really mean she loves me more than ever? Women are complicated creatures like that so maybe she’s trying to bamboozle me with some reverse psychology.

“Dumping me must be part of the chase that all women love. She’s clearly trying to recreate the giddy early days of our relationship when I would vie for her attention by messaging ‘hi’ on Tinder. It couldn’t be more obvious.

“Apparently she’s already been seen with another bloke, which is a signal that she misses me and wants us to give things another go. I’d better text her when I’m drunk to seal the deal.”

Parry said: “Silly me, I should have told James I wanted to get married and have kids. That would’ve got him to f**k off sharpish.”

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Gen Z celebrities explained for blissfully ignorant middle-aged people

IS your child thrilled because a celeb you’ve never heard of liked their comment on a social media platform you didn’t know existed? It’s time to end your shameful ignorance. 

Addison Rae

TikToker turned actor Addison Rae became famous when TikTok was about posting viral dances instead of spreading misinformation and reviewing Starbucks from the passenger seat of your car. She went on to star in He’s All That, the gender-swapped reboot of She’s All That, which was universally panned, hopefully killing the genre forever. If not, expect to see her in Butler in Manhattan in 2025.

The Heartstopper cast

Heartstopper is the heartwarming Netflix show about diverse British school kids helping each other come out of the closet and be their truest selves. Not to be confused with Sex Education (we definitely need two shows on this theme) because this one’s for tweens so it’s about kissing instead of shagging. There’s Joe Locke, Yasmin Finney, and Kit Connor. It’s a long shot, but you might recognise him as the diddly little nerd version of Elton John in Rocketman.

Life With MaK

Has your Gen Zer ever chewed disgustingly in your ear, scraped acrylic nails over a notebook, and said ‘It’s ASMR’? YouTubers like Life With MaK are the reason why. ASMR is basically randoms on the internet making a bunch of strange noises that supposedly relax you, but often make you want to rip your ears off instead.

Billie Eilish

Everyone loved her, then much of Gen Z put a stop to that by accusing her of queerbaiting (pretending to be gay to increase album sales, not hunting them for sport). Others think she did nothing wrong, so just to be safe, when her name comes up, jerk your head in a way that could be interpreted as a nod of approval or a shake of condemnation: Schrödinger’s Nod.

Rachel Sennott

She’s this generation’s Natasha Lyonne. That is to say she made a name for herself playing gay characters, so everyone was flabbergasted to find out she had a boyfriend in real life. She also played a Jewish character in Shiva Baby despite being raised Catholic, so it’s astonishing that Gen Z hasn’t already cancelled her for appropriating queer Jewish culture.

Phoebe Bridgers

She was in Fleabag, right? Wrong. That’s Phoebe Waller-Bridge. Phoebe Bridgers is the bleach-blonde singer who writes about bisexuality and hating her dad. And just to complicate things, Phoebe Waller-Bridge directed one of her music videos. She’s also in a supergroup with Lucy Dacus and Julien Baker. They’re all technically millennials, but Gen Z is obsessed. Think of it as their version of Cream.

Paul Mescal

Remember the hot Irish guy from Normal People who shagged for 41 minutes of BBC screen time back in summer 2020? Update: he appeared in the aforementioned Bridgers/Waller-Bridge music video, dated Phoebe Bridgers for a bit, and he’s about to appear in a gay romantic drama opposite fellow hot Irish guy Andrew Scott, who previously starred opposite Phoebe Waller-Bridge in Fleabag. Keeping up? Good. You’ve not gone senile yet.


Star of Euphoria and the new Spiderman movies, you might recognise her as the dull-as-f**k acrobat in The Greatest Showman, or the pretty lady in the Dune trailers who was barely in the movie. She’s dating Tom Holland (the actor, sadly, not the 55-year-old British historian who does The Rest Is History) and they’re perhaps the only celebrity couple Gen Z doesn’t think are problematic.

Molly-Mae Hague

The term ‘influencer’ sounds a bit culty and brainwashy, but Molly-Mae is probably the most famous British one. Starting out on Love Island, she went on to have a controversial brand deal with PrettyLittleThing, and a baby with Tommy Fury which they named Bambi. It makes you wonder if she knows what happened to Bambi’s mother about 40 minutes into the movie.