Ex-girlfriend knows exactly what she’s missing, thanks

A WOMAN whose ex-boyfriend asserts she ‘doesn’t know what she’s missing’ is actually entirely aware of what she is missing and could not be happier. 

Emma Bradford, who ended her relationship with Stephen Malley two months ago, has since received several texts advising her that the break-up is ‘her loss’ and that she will not easily ‘find what we had’.

She said: “I haven’t found what we had, it’s true. I’m not looking for it. I’ll leave it festering under a rock, where it belongs.

“He says I’ll soon see the grass isn’t greener, which is ironic because my houseplants are doing fine now the curtains aren’t closed all weekend because he’s playing FIFA in his Y-fronts.

“I don’t miss walking around art galleries with him on his phone whinging behind me. I don’t miss his ‘jokes’ about chaining me to the kitchen sink. I question whether any woman would miss his suggestions that him, me and my sister have a threesome.

“It’s certainly true that I won’t replace him easily. Julio from the gym, who taught me that female orgasm actually aren’t hard to achieve, is no replacement for Stephen. He’s a massive upgrade.”

Malley said: “Yeah. She’ll come crawling back.”

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The NME remembered, by various wankers

YESTERDAY the New Musical Express announced it was scrapping its print edition after 66 years. We asked various bellends to share their memories of the legendary publication. 

Emma Bradford, Guardian columnist 

For a teenager growing up in the suffocating boredom of suburbia the NME offered an escape into a more exciting world, which is an incredibly fascinating insight no one has ever had about music before. I am great.

Nathan Muir, music journalist 

I worked on the NME during the punk years, and literally anything could happen. One day Julie Burchill might call The Eagles a ‘bunch of wankers’, the next Sid Vicious might pop in and knock things off Tony Parsons’ desk, which he hated. There was simply not a wilder or more exciting place at any time in history.

Tom Logan, broadcaster

You couldn’t wait for that week’s NME to come out so you could rush to the record shop and pick up the latest cutting-edge tracks they recommended. As a result I’ve got loads of shitty records by Birdland, These Animal Men, Klaxons and Spacemen 3. If they’re going bankrupt can I get listed as a creditor? I spent thousands.

Martin Bishop, lead singer, The Settees

Without the NME’s support, which coincidentally came at a time when there were no good bands about, we wouldn’t have had a career. I wouldn’t have shagged loads of hot girls while on a tour of student unions. My current life as a level 2 admin might not be quite so unbearable.

Morrissey, international twat

I disdain and abhor the NME. They betrayed me, and betrayed their readers, in the 00s when they chose to hype those raucous roaring boys The Strokes instead of the real roots movement galvanising the youth of the day, which was UKIP.

David Cameron, former prime minister

I loved the NME, and only engineered austerity to create a harsh national environment from which dozens of marvellous new indie bands could spring. It didn’t work, like everything else, but my motives were pure so my conscience is completely clear.

Joanna Kramer, music label executive

Frankly there was no need whatsoever for anyone to read idiots blithering on about bands in inky newspapers once the technology came along to hear them for themselves. And Smash Hits was far better and wrote about better bands anyway. What?