Meghan Markle baptised in blood of 400,000 lizards

THE blood of more than 400,000 lizards has cascaded over Meghan Markle on the altar of an underground church to make her Royal forever. 

The Archbishop of Canturbury, dressed in his Inverted Vestments and wielding an obsidian crucible, welcomed Markle to the true dark religion that runs England in a cavern deep below St Pauls.

Prince Charles, soon to be Markle’s father-in-law, said: “Her old eyes are in a jar. She is one of us now.

“The colour of her skin was always irrelevant. It will not be worn for long. Her first shedding will come after the ceremony. It will be beautiful.

“Her acting experience will be… useful. From now on her whole life will be a pretence of humanity, and mortality, and that this Earth is not being terraformed to make a more comfortable home for our kind.”

Onlooker Mary Fisher, who had sneaked into the ceremony waving a Union Jack, said: “It was just wonderful. She screamed as her soul left her and the ageless, black thing entered.

“And then I was chosen to be the host for her thousands of eggs. I couldn’t be more proud.”

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England team at no risk of poison or qualifying for second round, promises Putin

VLADIMIR Putin has promised that the England squad will be safe from both poison attacks and the second-round at this summer’s World Cup.

The Russian president gave his word that there will be no state-sponsored ‘dirty tricks’ in the group stages and guaranteed that England will exit after three games.

He added: “Apart from the ‘group of death’, which is usually the group with the toughest teams in but this year is the group with Russia in, nobody need worry.

“I can therefore reassure the squad and any fans who travel to savour the thrilling disappointment in person they will suffer neither from either state-sponsored terrorism or heartbreaking hope.

“If only Scotland could have been here to receive that same reassurance. Such a shame.”