Moderate Saudi prince to pardon female hit and run victims

PRINCE Muhammad of Saudi Arabia was praised by the international community after pledging to release more than 20 percent of his country’s female hit and run victims.

In a major, progressive reform, around 300 women who have been hit by cars will be freed from prison.

A Saudi government spokesman said: “His gracious highness, in his wisdom, will grant clemency to these whores of the road. He bestows great mercy, even though they have indulged in shameful contact with a car who is not a male relative.”

In Saudi Arabia it is illegal for a woman to be hit by a car, a bus or a motorhome. If she dies of her injuries she could face up to 18 years in jail.

Along with hit and run victims, the prince is expected to pardon women who are unable to cook fish and women who have been attacked by leopards.

Foreign secretary Boris Johnson said: “The prince’s extraordinary gesture vindicates Britain’s policy of inserting our noses directly into their rectums, while selling them the world’s finest, hand-built killing machines.”

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‘Sexy’ baths never, ever sexy

GETTING into a tub of tepid water with another human being always results in  disappointment, a couple have confirmed.

After many attempts, Martin and Emma Bishop have finally given up on their ‘erotic bath times’ which always start with a tense stand off over who gets the tap end.

Martin Bishop said: “It looks amazing in one of those huge hot tubs they have on telly, but it just doesn’t translate to our bath. Maybe it’s because the room is so tiny that someone has to have their face disturbingly close to the toilet bowl.

“No matter how hard we try to get the temperature right, the water starts out painfully scalding before cooling so rapidly that we’re sitting there shivering like sad, wet greyhounds within about 10 minutes.

“Then we basically pretend we’re having a nice time despite the fact that our feet are firmly wedged in each other’s arse cracks and we’re both becoming slowly and unattractively puckered like withered, pale potatoes.

“So we’ve agreed that we’re past the age where we need to see each other’s flabby, fully naked bodies, unless it’s a medical emergency.”

Emma Bishop added: “Thank fuck.”