Five incredibly annoying names to call yourself if you're too hip for 'Godparent'

ARE you too cool to be a godparent, so are insisting on a special name for your role as an allegedly wise figure in some hapless child’s life? Choose from these irritating substitutes: 


You crazy nonconformist atheist, you! Whilst you imagine yourself as some kind of anarchist Richard Dawkins figure, the child you are ‘oddparenting’ will mainly use you, your life and your personal relationships as examples of what not to do.

Earth mother/father

As a faux-hippy who pretends to be spiritual and care about the world, you will be embarrassingly unable to answer questions from the future generation you’re meant to be guiding about why you fly to a yoga retreat in Bali twice a year.


This conjures up a particularly sad workplace relationship where someone called Ken teaches you how to use Excel spreadsheets with the turdbreath of an avid coffee drinker. The child you’re supposed to be mentoring will look at you exactly as you looked at Ken.

Guardian angel

Angels hover above, pure and invisible, guiding by tiny nudges at the perfect moment to send their charges on the most spiritually fulfilling path. You come round occasionally, drunk, and ask the kids if they’re trying hard at school, because they don’t have to because you didn’t and look at you now.


Implies that you’re waiting in the wings to replace a parent when they die, which both introduces children to their parents’ mortality and suggests that there is nothing irreplacable about mum or dad and a new one could be slotted in at any time. Linked to long-term psychiatric problems.

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Woman with shit together even has phone charger for car

A WOMAN who has got her shit together even has a dedicated phone charger in her car.

Joanna Kramer has a successful career in marketing, a husband she is not ashamed of at parties, a toddler who sleeps through the night, and the ability to plan for every phone battery eventuality.

She said: “I’ve always had a vision for how my life should be, and I don’t give up until I’ve made it a reality, no matter how many Amazon orders it takes.

“However busy I am, knowing my phone will be okay is something I’ve always considered important. Some women don’t prioritise it, which I think is a shame, and probably a lot to do with self-esteem or gluten intolerance.

“But even I have days when the balancing act of work, family and posting about work and family on social media is too much. Then I remember I have back-up lip balm in my glovebox and emergency anti-bacterial hand gel in my gym bag. I’ve got this.”

Kramer added: “It brings me a lot of peace to know I am prepared for anything, and if my husband takes that USB cable out of the car I will poison him”.