Nan afraid that news of Royal baby will get lost in all this Brexit nonsense

A GRANDMOTHER is concerned that all the Brexit nonsense constantly on the news might overshadow the birth of a new Royal baby. 

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s first child is due next month and Margaret Gerving of Guildford cannot believe how selfish politicians are being by having their Brexit at the same time.

She said: “They should have asked the EU for this extension to last until the baby’s born. Then whatever happens we’d leave happy.

“I’m sure they think what they’re doing is important, but we really should be getting live updates on the people waiting outside the hospital by now and the news is still full of this shilly-shallying.

“Labour I could understand, but the Tories should know their priorities. Thatcher got the Falklands out of the way with a good week to spare before little William came along.

“Let’s get this Brexit, whatever it’s about, done and dusted then we can have a proper rejoice and a street party. That’s what everyone needs.”

Gerving added: “I voted for the Brexit of course. Well I thought we all were.”

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The seven habits of high-as-f**k people

PEOPLE who are stoned out of their minds all the time don’t get that way by accident. They’ve shaped their own daily routines around ensuring they never have to confront cold, painful reality. And you can too. 


You’ve woken up, bleary, with a mouth like the bottom of a parrot’s cage. Your eyes barely open. Your cough brings up tar. Fuck that. It’s time to wake ’n’ bake and fall into the comforting, hazy arms of Mary Jane once more.


Too many amateurs buy a pack of Rizla along with their tobacco and dust their hands off thinking ‘job done’. Real weedheads know that you’ll lose them, drop them, or simply roach them so much that the papers flutter away like feathers in a breeze. Buy Rizlas whenever you make ANY purchase. No exceptions.


Get into all the different types and flavours of weed. Why, when they all get you indistinguishably high? Because once you’ve got loads of different strains in different stash boxes around the house, you’ll never run out. Thinking smart. Thinking ahead.


Netflix? Film? Videogame? Too much concentration required. Focused stoners know that only a steady stream of channel-changing contrasts, from Grand Designs to Ultimate Party Jamz to Adventure Time to Monster Croc Wrangler will keep you alert enough to pack the next bong.


Sure, an 18-hour couch session’s the ideal, but every stoner has to leave the house sometimes. Make it a most dope experience by simply smoking a large spliff wherever you go. Strangers may stare but the police are too overworked to give a fuck, unless you’re black.


Is that seven habits? Yeah it must be.