Friday, 14th May 2021

Five regional accents that will never be sexually attractive

Think your regional accent sounds interesting and endearing? If it’s any of these then you’re wrong: 


The Cornish language died out centuries ago because it was barely even understandable to those who spoke it. Nowadays people from Kernow communicate via unintelligible slurring noises which are impossible to find arousing. Not even Idris Elba could make ‘wasson ansom’ or ‘geddon me bewty’ sound sexy.


The Bristolian accent isn’t a total write-off; it’s almost tolerable so long as the speaker stays away from words with vowels in. Also highly problematic is the pronunciation of the letter ‘r’, which causes the speaker to sound like they’re actively trying to swallow their own tongue. Not attractive.


Picture the scene: you make eye contact with a hottie across the beer garden, they fire you a cheeky wink and saunter over, then when they open their mouth this vacant, drawling accent comes out of it. You’d down your pint and get out of there as soon as possible. And no one would blame you.


Unless Dickensian paupers with a poor grasp of sentence structure are the stuff of your erotic fantasies, the Cockney accent will cause your libido to shrivel up and die. Why else do you think everyone in EastEnders is so bloody angry all the time? They’re fed up with living in the least sexy place in the country.


Where to begin? Scousers insist on sounding like they’re going to cough up phlegm at all times, and decided to pair this with ridiculous slang and an intonation that sounds like they’re always asking questions. After decades of study, scientists are no closer to discovering how people in Merseyside have managed to produce young.