Five regional accents that will never be sexually attractive

Think your regional accent sounds interesting and endearing? If it’s any of these then you’re wrong: 


The Cornish language died out centuries ago because it was barely even understandable to those who spoke it. Nowadays people from Kernow communicate via unintelligible slurring noises which are impossible to find arousing. Not even Idris Elba could make ‘wasson ansom’ or ‘geddon me bewty’ sound sexy.


The Bristolian accent isn’t a total write-off; it’s almost tolerable so long as the speaker stays away from words with vowels in. Also highly problematic is the pronunciation of the letter ‘r’, which causes the speaker to sound like they’re actively trying to swallow their own tongue. Not attractive.


Picture the scene: you make eye contact with a hottie across the beer garden, they fire you a cheeky wink and saunter over, then when they open their mouth this vacant, drawling accent comes out of it. You’d down your pint and get out of there as soon as possible. And no one would blame you.


Unless Dickensian paupers with a poor grasp of sentence structure are the stuff of your erotic fantasies, the Cockney accent will cause your libido to shrivel up and die. Why else do you think everyone in EastEnders is so bloody angry all the time? They’re fed up with living in the least sexy place in the country.


Where to begin? Scousers insist on sounding like they’re going to cough up phlegm at all times, and decided to pair this with ridiculous slang and an intonation that sounds like they’re always asking questions. After decades of study, scientists are no closer to discovering how people in Merseyside have managed to produce young.

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The twat's guide to ruining the beer garden for everyone else

THE bank holiday weekend probably means some long-awaited outdoor drinks. Here noted twat Ryan Whittaker gives his tips on how to spoil the experience for those around you.

Be loud

Speak as loudly as you can. Basically you should be shouting constantly. Remember to swear liberally and include plenty of detailed sexual imagery – especially if seated near children. Female friends should scream frequently to prove what a fantastic time they’re having.

Be obnoxious

When I arrive, I always complain about which table I’ve been given, even if it’s fine. It just makes me feel pleasantly important, even though I’m not. And if you’re spending 20 quid on booze that obviously gives you the right to treat the outdoor space like your own private garden. 

Get shitfaced immediately

You’ve missed out on a year of drinking, so it’s your God-given right to get hammered straight away. Have some 12 noon tequila shots to get things moving. Then get incredibly pissed and refuse to leave when your time’s up. Your tiresome argument with the pub manager will provide entertainment for people who just wanted a much-needed quiet drink.

Ignore the rules

Yes, you can only meet six people outdoors. But forget that. Just book four tables next to each other and pull them together for an instant 24-person party. Remember it’s fine to give everyone hugs and kisses when they arrive. Covid’s over now, otherwise the pubs wouldn’t be open.

Disrespect the staff

I don’t care if they’re worried about Covid. £8 an hour is good money for carrying a tray of Stellas over whenever I bellow at them. Also, if they think social distancing is going to stop me trying to chat them up, they’re dead wrong. I can still make lewd comments from two metres away, love.