Friday, 14th May 2021

Five texts you could have sent Boris Johnson since 2006

BORIS Johnson’s personal mobile phone number has been public since 2006. You’ve probably missed the chance now, but here are five texts you could have sent him.

The clown thing’s just an act, right?

Johnson has somehow won the public over with his buffoonish persona, but is it all just a cunning ruse by a Machiavellian twat? Even though we watched him fly into an explosive rage yesterday, we may never know. It’s frustrating to think you could have asked him personally.

You look like an idiot

Not particularly time-sensitive, this one, as Johnson has been parading around with a carefully dishevelled haircut for most of his professional life. However it might have had some impact if you sent it seconds before he was set to appear on a TV debate, perhaps furthering his paranoia by claiming there was a piss stain on his trousers.

Seriously mate, are you Leave or Remain?

This would have saved everyone a lot of headaches in 2016, although that’s assuming Johnson would have sent you an honest reply. Most likely he would have drafted two texts, deliberated over which one to send, and then made a decision based on which one would further his career.

That Bullingdon Club photo

Johnson would rather that black-and-white photo of him and his Bullingdon Club chums arrogantly posing in waistcoats didn’t exist, so what better way to max out your data allowance than by sending it to him? You could have even circled David Cameron and written ‘Slightly less shit PM than you’.

F**k you

Admittedly not very eloquent or witty, but there it would have been fun to drop an f-bomb into the prime minister’s inbox whenever you felt like it. You could even program your phone to send it at random intervals, because let’s face it, you’d like to tell him to f**k off most of the time.