Five texts you could have sent Boris Johnson since 2006

BORIS Johnson’s personal mobile phone number has been public since 2006. You’ve probably missed the chance now, but here are five texts you could have sent him.

The clown thing’s just an act, right?

Johnson has somehow won the public over with his buffoonish persona, but is it all just a cunning ruse by a Machiavellian twat? Even though we watched him fly into an explosive rage yesterday, we may never know. It’s frustrating to think you could have asked him personally.

You look like an idiot

Not particularly time-sensitive, this one, as Johnson has been parading around with a carefully dishevelled haircut for most of his professional life. However it might have had some impact if you sent it seconds before he was set to appear on a TV debate, perhaps furthering his paranoia by claiming there was a piss stain on his trousers.

Seriously mate, are you Leave or Remain?

This would have saved everyone a lot of headaches in 2016, although that’s assuming Johnson would have sent you an honest reply. Most likely he would have drafted two texts, deliberated over which one to send, and then made a decision based on which one would further his career.

That Bullingdon Club photo

Johnson would rather that black-and-white photo of him and his Bullingdon Club chums arrogantly posing in waistcoats didn’t exist, so what better way to max out your data allowance than by sending it to him? You could have even circled David Cameron and written ‘Slightly less shit PM than you’.

F**k you

Admittedly not very eloquent or witty, but there it would have been fun to drop an f-bomb into the prime minister’s inbox whenever you felt like it. You could even program your phone to send it at random intervals, because let’s face it, you’d like to tell him to f**k off most of the time.

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Carrie Symonds to do Strictly and shag dancer

CARRIE Symonds is to appear on Strictly Come Dancing, last until the semi-finals and have a torrid affair with her dance partner, she has confirmed. 

After reports that the hit show is eager to sign her up, Symonds will go on it to earn a much-needed £40,000 to buy a side table, improve her PR and enjoy hot sex with an attractive, well-muscled gentleman. 

A friend said: “Strictly curse? More like a Strictly blessing.

“Carrie’s a PR genius, as she’s amply demonstrated during her time in Downing Street, and she’s aware that sleeping with Johnson is damaging perceptions of her hotness. 

“So she’s planning to strut her stuff in spangles on the dancefloor while making it perfectly obvious she’s doing the horizontal tango offscreen. She fancies Aljaz for that, but any of them would do. 

“In week one she’ll do the foxtrot and be pictured kissing him in a London bar, in week three it’s a Viennese waltz and leaving a hotel, by week six it’s the Samba and being caught mid-coitus in Downing Street. 

“Boris? He’s fine with it because for reasons no one understands it will all just make him even more popular.”