Each other: The boring things new couples find f**king fascinating

NEW couples are notorious for turning people’s stomachs with their displays of affection and zest for life. Here are five dull as ditchwater things they somehow find fascinating.

The moon

New couples will soppily gaze up at this big space rock together as if it contains the meaning of life. If, as in the song, the moon did literally hit their eyes like a big pizza pie it would serve them right, although be catastrophic for humanity.

Walks on the beach

If you’re not loved-up then a beach is just a place to get sunburnt while eating an ice cream and tutting at the litter, but for new couples they’re an oasis of romance. As they walk along with the tide lapping at their ankles, you just know they’re thinking of riding horses together while wearing billowing shirts. Sickening.

Going to a spa

Most of society has realised that going to a spa is just a hideously expensive way of doing nothing for a bit. However, freshly minted couples are so blinded by infatuation they’ll convince themselves that getting their toenails gently filed down is the height of fun, the deluded morons.

Picnics

Normal people tend not to eat on a blanket in the park because of hassles like lugging a load of cold food there and seagulls trying to steal your potato salad. New lovers are in their own little world, so don’t even notice the dickhead aggressively playing with his dangerous dog nearby, or that it’s suddenly turned nippy after 20 minutes and you have to go home.

Each other

Even though they’ve only got boring anecdotes and dull facts about their life to share, new couples think their partner is the most interesting person on the planet. The interest normally fades when the novelty of shagging has worn off or they receive a flirty Tinder message from someone just as boring but a bit hotter.

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Six ways you're worried you're not a proper adult

DID you assume you’d be a fully-functioning, grown-up adult by now? Here are the things you thought you’d effortlessly cope with, but can’t.

Being told off by your boss

Your boss can’t really do anything terrible to you, but you have a total fear of confrontation. It’s a lot like childhood, when you lived in terror of a weedy 11-year-old bully who, now you think about it, never actually hit anyone.

Public speaking 

Addressing even a small group of people turns you into a shaking, hyperventilating wreck. The worst thing is that your younger self arrogantly assumed you’d be a high-achiever confidently advising lesser employees, so you feel like a bit of a knob as well. 

Graveyards 

As an adult you don’t believe in supernatural rubbish, obviously. But you get a bloody move on when you’re walking past a graveyard at night. You may even avoid looking at it in case you see a skeletal hand clawing its way out of the ground. 

Basic health tasks

Real adults just visit a dentist if they get twinges. You put it off for months because you’ve devised a mad fantasy where all your teeth will have to be pulled out, you’ll be fitted with dentures and only be able to eat mushed-up banana. Also no one will ever sleep with you again. Then it turns out you just need a scrape and polish.

Having a relationship

Other adults all seem to be happily married and had a proper wedding and everything, but all your relationships have fizzled out like the flings of your 20s. Telling yourself you’re young, free and single doesn’t really cut it, because only the ‘single’ bit applies.

Personal finances

You’ve got a savings account, but the pitiful amount of cash in there would barely see you through a minor crisis like needing a new shower. Or possibly having to buy new shoes and trousers at the same time.