Five things which used to impress the ladies but now not so much

IMPRESSING women was much easier when gender norms were entrenched and everyone was quite sexist. Here are some strategies blokes can no longer rely on.

Having a car

The man of the past would drive the car while explaining his superb driving skills, fix the car himself, or at least tinker with it, and basically take charge of anything to do with cars. He would never let a lady drive – they felt safe and protected and it avoided them inevitably crashing it.

Giving them an extra £20 for the housekeeping, saying ‘get something nice for yourself’

A common trope in 70s sitcoms, showing both your generosity and openness to letting the woman think for herself. Doesn’t work as well these days, for some reason.

Fighting

A brute show of strength went down well with the lady you were trying to impress, especially if you accused your victim of ‘looking at your bird’. Men thought that anyway. Less popular now due to looking like a nutcase.

Carrying four drinks back from the bar in one go

This showed you had big hands, say no more, know what I mean?

Correcting her multiple mistakes and wrong ideas

Economics, international relations, how yeast makes bread rise, the different types of clouds – no subject was too complex for a man to clear up for his confused lady-friend. Knowing you knew meant they didn’t have to, and they were grateful. Still considered a good romantic strategy among idiots to this day.

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How Americans write dates: five other things the US should get rid of

AMERICA – the land of the free, home of the brave, and domain of quite a few idiots. Having finally booted out Donald Trump, here are five other dumb things the US needs to get rid of.

How they write dates

Working up from days to years makes sense, as so does the reverse. Swapping days and months around causes momentary confusion for every other country on the planet and it hasn’t caught on for a reason. Did someone mess up writing the date on the constitution and now they have to live like this forever?

Their healthcare system

Nobody should be bankrupted because they rode an ambulance to A&E – it’s not as if it’s a fun experience you brag about wangling for free. But that’s what happens when you’re deathly afraid of socialism. Weird how they lapped up Trump talking about a free coronavirus vaccine though.

Being in love with guns

We get it, gun nuts like to recite the Second Amendment while jerking off to a Smith & Wesson catalogue. We’ve all got our little quirks. But why not try to phase out guns gradually? Start by not collecting assault rifles like your aunt collects pottery frogs and gradually work down. It’s hard to go on the rampage with an incredibly fiddly Webley air pistol.

An obsession with tipping

Is a living wage too much to ask for, or is that another idea that’s dangerously close to communism? Just sort it, because the alternative, where we nervously hand out dollars to anyone who provides the least bit of assistance, is too stressful for Brits on holiday to handle.

The special relationship

You’re the trophy wife in this dynamic, and it looks like you’re slowly realising you can do better. The last thing you need is a relationship with a declining power run by a blond gibbon who reminds you of your toxic ex. We understand if you want to shack up with France or Germany instead. We had some good times, like WW2, but sometimes you have to move on.

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