Cyclists who follow the Highway Code to be punished

THE government is launching a crackdown on the minority of cyclists who bother to follow the Highway Code.

Police will be able to hand out harsher penalties amid fears that the reputation of cyclists is being ruined by the small number who insist on stopping at traffic lights and wearing a helmet.

A spokesperson said: “The lockdown saw an encouraging increase in cyclists riding on the pavement while using their phone. But there are still too many who think it is acceptable to use their bell to alert pedestrians to their presence.

“We need to clamp down on these rogue riders now, which is why we are giving police officers more powers – such as the use of spike strips in bicycle lanes.

“We’re also introducing new punishments for those who insist on abiding by the rules, including being forced to watch old episodes of Top Gear on repeat.

“These moves should help motorists, who will now know for certain that the cyclist they’re following won’t be bothering to stop for the red light up ahead.”

Cyclist Tom Logan said: “It’s not fair to tar all cyclists with the same brush. I weave in and out of traffic like a lunatic and I’m always careful not to use lights when I’m cycling at night.” 


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Man holds out for five seconds before talking over girlfriend

A MAN gave his girlfriend every opportunity to express herself coherently at a dinner party before reluctantly speaking on her behalf.

Martin Bishop looked on for a full five seconds as his girlfriend Nikki Hollis expressed her thoughts, before saying “Well…” and putting forward his own, better opinion.

Bishop said: “I could see that Nikki was struggling. Someone had asked her a question about the American election. 

“I’m on furlough so I’m on the internet all day, keeping tabs on the latest developments. She works as a nurse 10 hours a day so she’s not really in touch with the real world.”

Hollis said: “Actually I was about to say -”

However Bishop interjected: “I didn’t want Nikki to come across as vacuous. As a feminist, I believe women should speak out loud and strong, but if words desert them I’m only too willing to come to the rescue.”

Hollis said: “I was just about to -“

At this point Bishop luckily finished Hollis’ inane thoughts for her: “So I spoke up for her. I hope that through using my voice I gave her a voice. You’re welcome, sweetie. Any time.”